  Tossed and turned all night woke up every hour for 15-20 min before falling back to sleep mini dreams of the lawyer yelling at me which he has done before in real life hearing him say over and over you have really screwed things up calling in my dream repeatedly and getting nowhere. I keep asking myself what did we do, did I call him too much not enough is there a conflict of interest? To be honest I really can't stand the guy he is arrogant and cocky but he is good at what he does and loosing him this far in is just too much to deal with for me right now... Maybe its Gods grace, maybe there is a conflict of interest, maybe I should have kept calling back to talk to psycho secretary and not just be satisfied with voice mail.
I should not call her psycho secretary she seems nice but I just cant handle her at times and I feel bad like I should be more compassionate to her especially after her confession of contemplating suicide. I think her Catholicism is too important to her to really go through with it, but I am concerned. Should I do more then pray is it just another distraction with no substance or a distraction with substance I can do nothing about anyway? We only have a few weeks, will God allow us to become homeless to tech us will we find a way out of this mess? There is a part of me that wants to start packing just in case I know our God will never leave us or forsake us but that does not guarantee our understanding of the process it does not mean we get everything our way.
The losses are becoming a burden I don't know how to deal with I tell myself over and over they were never mine to loose the people or the things but so far that reality barely scratches the surface of my heart. I have not heard from my closest friend in a while I tell myself I must have hurt their feelings - negativity seems to have wormed its way into my mind and I am fearful.
I feel another friendship close by slipping away and there is probably nothing I can do to change the circumstances behind that either, you cannot undo what has been said and done. I am still grieving and perhaps in my process allowing untruths to fill my mind and distract me further. I hurt, I feel alone and abandoned yet I recognize feelings and reality are often at odds - the truth should comfort me but instead eludes my heart. 
