  hey, taylor posting/speaking I had a pretty good day overall. How was everyone's saturday? I hope it was a little better than mine, I just didn't feel very well. I was really moody all morning. I didn't want to study. I was tired and groggy.
I just felt gross, like I needed to work out and needed to lose weight. I thought this mainly because I ate ALL morning long. First i had toaster strudel, then i wanted pop tarts, after that it was black beans and rice. I mean, i was constantly eating. I don't know what has come over me the past few weeks. I've just been constantly eating something.
I have got to stop this habit. I've already noticed myself getting a little fatter in the stomach and the arms. I'm not having a growth spurt, that's for sure. It's just me, with my same height, increasing my "inches". Therefore, May 22, 2004, I am going to stop eating snacks. I'm going to have my three meals everyday, breakfast, lunch, and dinner, and that's all.
I have a horrible habit of always eating. It has got to stop. So now it has I feel like i'm going through changes right now, but i don't know what they are yet. I mean, not much has been happening to me lately. I've been really sad, and kinda low for a while at school. I think its that empty void of walking the hallways with no one to look forward to.
Sarah isn't there anymore. During tutorial, i have been getting ahead in pre-cal and doing work in the library. It's so deathly quiet in there and I hate it. I hate this silence. I miss the constant static in my head, and the continuous buzzing when I knew I could catch a glimpse of sarah for 10 seconds during passing period. I'm sorry that I'm getting all emotional.
To make a long story short, I miss her at school. But these changes are making me feel strange. I feel detached from everything and everyone. I've lost that sharpness and edge. Its probably the extra weight that's making me feel insecure. I don't like looking in the mirror yet.
Maybe someday I will, but i am waiting for that day. What's changing? I don't know. I'm about to turn 16, yippy. Age is but a number. But I just don't know what is coming over me.
I have got to figure this out before it kills me. I'm changing, but I don't know what I'm changing. A few more days of school left and we're finally juniors. That sounds really old, but its not very when you have a girlfriend who is a freshman in college. I sound so young, don't I? I'll miss her while she's at Northwestern.
We'll be okay though. It will be tough, I won't deny that. But we can do it. I feel that I have a lot of potential of basically doing anything that I want once I am outside of highschool. But i am so scared that i will never figure out what i actually want to become in life, a passion of a career. Of course I will have sarah, but i'm worried i won't find my perfect career.
Something that I love doing. I'm capable of a lot right now, but how is it in the real world? I'm just in this microcosm of a school and society, not out of my shell yet. What is to become of me? Sorry, I am drifting off into my surreal world. Now back to reality.
Me and Sarah went to go see Godsend tonight. It freaked me out, but it was just a really bad movie. I always get scared in suspensful movies, so that's why it freaked me out. I had a good time with her though. We fought a little today, which always hurts, but we got through it. I love you sarah.
She's asleep already though. Have a good night everyone! bye 
