  Jack Nicholson once asked "What if this is as good as it gets? " and I wonder the same thing. It seems that we're always striving to be smarter, skinnier, funnier, or more popular among our peers.
Am I just going to die trying? I wonder how much I do for myself and how much I do for others? My therapist told me, after I unloaded on her about my marriage, that I'm a victim. I cringed when she said that.
I don't want to be a victim, but I guess I put myself here and if I don't do anything about it, then I am really just a glutton for punishment. God, it's sad that I'm too lazy or scared to make any advancements towards happiness. I just take things day by day and nothing changes. The only thing that makes me happy is my son. My son also drives me up the wall sometimes, but I'm sure that's normal for a toddler.
At least he doens't know any better which is more than I can say for my husband. Well, I keep on trying. I go to the gym, I try and eat right every now and then. I lay awake at night and think of how great I looked right before I got pregnant. I had lost about 30 pounds by running and eating right. I looked so good. I was wearing a size 4.
Those jeans, which I refuse to throw out are in my closet now. I look at them and tell myself that I'll wear them again soon. I wonder where my self control has gone? I was so good, but now I see a cookie and I fall apart. If I could just get myself back to where I was. I was in the "mode". Nothing could stop me. Nothing could tempt me either. Geez, I was so good. It is harder now becuase I have a son and I can't just go out the door and run anymore.
I bought a running stroller but somehow it's broken and the wheels are flat. Good excuse, huh? That thing is a real pain in the ass anyways to run with. Well, crap, duty calls. Gotta work. 
