  Not much has changed. Every day is still the same. I don't know why I just didn't let my dad come up here because I would be leaving this hell hole right now instead of sitting here writing about why I am still here and how much it fucking sucks. Another Saturday turned to shit today when we were on our way to Ikea and why? All because I took my keys out of the car at Shell instead of leaving it running so Tony didn't have to be hot while he waited a whole two fucking minutes for me to come back to the car. I didn't even do it on purpose but because I did something so stupid I got the third degree and that turned into me driving 60 mph down Foster straight back to the house and almost getting into three wrecks on the way.
I sat in the kitchen after it all happened and have been thinking about how different my life could be. I think about this all the time though. I look out the window and imagine a better life. I close my eyes and I can see happiness but it never includes Tony. This is not love and it hasn't been for a long time but this fucking game continues for some reason. I can safely say I have lost myself in all this.
I don't know if I have ever been this unhappy with a person. There is not one day that goes by that we don't argue and fight over something trivial. It's only a matter of time until something huge happens again and what will I do? Believe Tony's lies again that things will be different? I want to believe that things can be different so badly that I let things continue on with the hope they will, but they never do. I want a normal life so badly but I think I have to face the fact that will never happen with him.
Never. I can't continue investing time in something and someone who is unable to and incapable of giving. I have tried to change my ways to try to make this work but nothing matters. Does he enjoy this? Does he like living like this? I have to wonder because everytime I am ready to leave him he pleads with me not to.
Although his attempts aren't even that sincere I still stay. I have tried lately to think of good things about him so that I don't always think of him this way, but I can't do that when he continually fucks it up. He has ruined everything. I'll write more later. 
