  Haven't wrote in awhile... I'm kind of having an off week. Just kind of feel down and out of it... not really motivated by much, maybe because its getting close to crunch time and i'm regressing.
I don't know what it is, but all I know is that I'm just not quite feeling like myself lately. Its nothing I can really verbalize or articulate, I just feel like this every once in awhile.
Since I've gotten out of dating elmer, I don't feel like this as much, because it used to be a lot worse-- but still, every once in awhile i feel like this. these were the moments i dreaded and that took me to anti-depressants. i wish sometimes that i can have that crutch to lean on because its not only the panic attacks that i wanted to avoid, its these week long depression phases i go through. I found something of Jae's that I shouldn't have, and i know that has a lot to do with why i feel like this.
sometimes when i know i've disappointed people, i really get sad and it brings me down a lot. i don't care a lot about what people think of me, but when its people that are close to me, its another story. when i was younger and even now when i disappoint my parents or my family, its always at the back of my mind and it really affects me. and in a way i feel like i disappointed jae and i feel really down about it. i wish i could just forget about it, but in a positive way, it shows how much i care about him and what he thinks of me. i guess also its related to me being afraid that he's going to end up resenting me if i keep disappointing him.
i know he won't and i know he adores me, but i still have my insecurities.... i miss him and it makes it worse. he's disappointed at me because i looked at thuy's shit and because i can't let this go, but in a way, how can i just let something go when its my insecurity? i looked at it out of curiosity and he's mad because i saw a lot of her private thoughts and in a sense, he doesnt like that.
maybe in a sense he's afraid that her thoughts would taint my vision of him, but in truth, they didn't. i know he doesn't like that i looked at his stuff, and he wants to be the one to answer the questions i have and quell the insecurities i have, but these are my issues, and he really can't do much to solve them.
i feel like shit. its funny how even though he says he hates her, and yet in a sense he is still trying to protect her. he's so concerned about me checking her emails, looking at her stuff. the irony is that with more time the insecurities go away, but when he reacts like this to the stupid quirky things that i do, it makes me feel more sad... more alone.
i don't know i guess i hoped that he would be over her, and that he wouldn't care so much. but he's really perturbed by this. and i can see why, i'm "picking at his scabs," as he said, but that's not my intent, i would never want to hurt him. the fact of the matter is that he is still bothered by her. and to an extent, why shouldn't he be, i know elmer still cares, i know he must still be sad when he thinks of me. is really forgetting about the person truly a way to get over them though? i don't know anymore... i just want to sleep and sleep and sleep.
jae thinks i'm immature because i don't want to talk about it, but to be quite frank, i'm not sure what there is to even talk about anymore. its not that i don't want to talk to him, but i just dont want to deal with anything anymore. 
