  weird weird weekend...wasn't gonna go out friday, but wife persuaded me to go for a quick drink. which turned into many vodka's for the three witches before we left the house. then to isit, budvar, aftershock, asked for iio's rapture dj promised but didn't fulfil. good music though (in isit??! )...and then to moloko's, didn't dream of going home as had promised self. for first time in literally years hadn't taken phone.
the importance of this will become clearer later. drunk. very drunk. saw jamie - oh my god saw jamie where's laura bla bla. too drunk to care enough. she was good though.
G and johnny upstairs spent most time talking to them, that was good, really nice. k being a bit of a bitch and asking me and G lots of unnecessarily mean things about break-up. if had been less drunk would have argued with her but only realised morning after the out of order-ness. more beer not a good idea. musta been pmt cos i was so over drunk. home with laura and G, that nice - more bitchy looks from K just cos G walking us home...so good to be home.
couldn't see the telly mind. checked my phone. ed ringing me all night. shit. had texted him that afternoon and he so good: "got some wicked jeans" etc., so i didn't worry. i NEVER leave my phone when i go out.
mum and dad never go out the country. ed never loses his mind. all happened on same night. such a scary upsetting horrifying phonecall. sick when i got off phone. went to sleep sitting up cos so sure gonna be sick....slept a bit.
woke up feeling like death. sure ed felt worse. had to get ready to go for thai meal with zoe etc. at 2pm. last thing i felt like but i always pull out, haven't seen 'em for so long. started to get ready, but ed rang, wanted to pop round.
phoned zoe - had a valid excuse of course, arranged to meet them after. ed looked like i felt. then jude came round. house a mess. hangover like a dog, worst endo pains in months. walked to meet naomi from central stn.
hot gorgeous day, but the atmosphere so weird. deserted because the match had started (rugby league final), but rubbish everywhere, hot empty dirty city, felt like something bad had happened. walked to the park stopping for chips and cheese at market, bacon bun for ed. atmosphere making us both feel weirder...park better, almost slept. usual spot. but by half 4 figured should ring zoe, they sitting outside in brewery quarter.
said goodbye to ed, since then he's been better touch wood. chose the worst time to ring then walk to meet them, from park to yard, as in past the stadim, as in past the stadium spewing red and white rugby fans in a tidal wave towards me, kids with horns so loud you see the soundwaves, men men men northern men, me heading the other way in my little top from japan my little turquoise shoes ha ha! they sitting outside that cool. i so not in the mood with my pain and hangover and shattered tiredness, and the belief that i didn't have any tablets and hadn't taken any since thursday and couldnt get to a dr til monday (i found some when got home that night so staved off withdrawal) yet i held on good. stayed from half 4 to 11, oh yeh. it was a bit of a struggle but im pleased i didn't pull out, so lovely to see them all.
zoe still wonderful! su horribly drunk, talked to rach and carina more than usual. wife came to join me when she got off train from bristol about 9, that was good. neil turned up for half an hour! apologised for being 'rude' to me last time he saw me (naomi's birthday)...no just horrendous drunk flirting from both sides i think..yep. so good to go to sleep that night.
not until tv and talkin for a good while though, jonathon ross again! ronnie o'sullivan...nice nice. morrissey = weird. thats a pretty obvious statement though. sunday was better. woke late.
mum and dad back in country. that a relief. got up and breakfasted then straight to park (lush day again), usual spot, ed, naomi, emma(? ), jude...ed good, i better, all together so much nicer. relaxing. and then a normal sunday generally ... thank goodness.
til kate txted me to ring her at midnight and even though i off to bed i had to. on the phone til half 1, she told me something she's only ever told one other person in her life. i don't want to have been told what she told me its too upsetting. i'm carrying round this all encompassing secret too now. i don't know if i can help. too much.
seeing her for first time since that conversation in pub tonight. monday tracy came in, her marriage over. her marriage over for God's sake. bad. the massivest thing in the world yet she so brave and so good. don't think tims gonna come over.
had worst conversation mon night. he not there for me. wish i didn't love him. don't want to have THAT conversation but can feel it coming. fuck. just, unfair. 
