  Katy: Back when Master wasn't my Master, but John, a sexy gentleman that was answering my questions about BDSM, we had this exchange: Katy: gonna make me beg? John: Hah! The fast answer is: hell yes! The serious answer is that I don't have the right. Katy: and if i offered you the right? A few times before, I had tried to provoke John into "making" or "forcing" me to behave submissively, and he always responded that he didn't have the right. All the while, he continued gently mentoring me in what a healthy consenting BDSM relationship could be.
One year ago today, it occured to me that instead of trying to provoke him into dominating me, I had to ask. Everything he had been telling me about this lifestyle had emphasized consent. Therefore, he would never take my submission from me until I offered it freely. So I did. The submissive partner paradoxically has to take the lead in establishing consent. It is even more important for us personally, with my mental illness, that I be prepared for each new phase of our relationship.
So I often find, in reflecting on the journey we have taken, that I initiated many of the turning points. And each time, I discovered that I had reserves of courage to help me reach for what I wanted. The first time it happened was when John and I were corresponding by email and he included his ICQ number after the signature. I assumed that it was a standard sig line (I learned later that it was not and that he rarely gives out the number) but took the chance of initiating IM contact. The exchange above was the second time. When I realized that for the relationship to go beyond mentoring and into Dominance, I had to make the offer.
There was a pause between my offer and his (carefully neutral) answer, and I assumed (in my naivete and insecurity) that I had made an unwelcome advance. That he looked upon me with pity, as a kindly and indulgent teacher might look upon a student who had developed a schoolgirl crush. I can only guess that my courage was completely used up in making the offer, and there wasn't enough left over to help me correctly judge John's reaction (which was far from pity).
But that's okay. Each time it has been required, I've found that my strength and courage are sufficient for the next step. Formal submission to Master didn't come until later. But it was one year ago today that our journey began. I love you, Master. 
