  Well I haven't been writing for a few days because my life has taken a turn for the worst...let me retrace my steps. Tuesday nite I ended up getting so down that I called G to talk to him. He couldn't talk because he had family in the house and said he would come over. He came over and we had a long conversation. He was actually wrapping his head around the whole situation and said that he does want to be a part of the childs life etc. He said that it was over with him an Deanna and that there wasn't really anything there that she just took it to the next level when he told her that he just wanted to be friends.
I wanted to believe him. Just before he left I asked him for a hug. The hug was so intense I kissed him. He tried to resist a little bit but then gave in and we ended up in bed. Now is where the sad part comes in. When I got off from on top of him I noticed blood all over me.
I was bleeding internally. I ran into the bathroom and started crying. G was all freaked out saying that it was all his fault. I took a shower and he came in and blood just kept flowing, It was all over him as well. Looked like someone got stabbed. I knew at that moment that I had miscarriaged.
I was shocked and devastated. G took me to the hospital. I told him to go home because I was just so emotional and I knew I'd be there for hours which I was. He told me to call him no matter what time so he could pick me up. The doctor came in and did an internal. Said it does appear to be a miscarriage but the only way to know for sure is if I have an ultrasound but that I would have to come back the next day.
I called g afterwards and he came to pick me up. He spent the night with me just holding me while I cried. We were up till 3 a.m. talking. He felt so bad with what happened and thought it was his fault. The next morning I went for my ultrasound. I was so upset I puked three times before I even left the house.
The ultrasound showed that I was six weeks pregnant and that the baby had no heartbeat. Apparently though the baby's heart starts beating right at 6 weeks so the doctor said that I could wait to see what happens and come back in a week and have another one done. He has got to be crazy I thought to myself. There is no way I am going to be able to survive emotionally knowing that the baby that I have inside me is late forming into an embryo and doesn't have a heartbeat just to prolong the agony for a week and go through all this again. when I talked with the next doctor it was agreed that I would have to have surgery to do a d&c. they had me on a bed with intervinace (can't spell it) by noon on Wednesday.
But I had to wait 9 hours before I actually had the surgery. G stayed with me almost the whole time but he had to go pick up his child from day care but then he came back after the surgery was over. I had no more tears left. It's all over. :-( I feel so empty and still numb and shocked how everything turned out. In addition to it the way that G and I have been since it happened.
He did put me straight yesterday telling me that nothing has changed and that he loves me but cannot commit to me therefore we do still have to let eachother go no matter how hard it is. I know he's right but deep down inside I can't understand if two people love eachother so much why can't we be together. He did get rid of the other girl Deanna. The fucking bitch. I don't know whether to believe everything that he says but he once again looked me in the eye and said that he is going to take some time out and do some soul searching which is the same thing that I must do. This is so fucking hard to accept even though I know it has to be this way.
Here I sit bleeding because I lost a baby and I'm fucking thinking about why he doesn't want me the same way i want him. He did tell me that things would have been different if I didn't lose the baby. That in the back of his mind and in his heart he knew that he wouldn't leave me. How comforting is that :-( I don't know I have so many things on my mind I feel like I'm going to explode. Everyone is worried about me especially Lois but I know I'll be ok. It's just going to take some time.
Oh ya I did talk to my ex G1 and told him about the whole incident. I think he was hurt but still cared about how i was. All he said was at least you know that you can have kids now. ya right. After this whole tramatic experience I doubt it. today is also the anniversary of my mom's death.
it's been 11 years since she passed away. I didn't even have enough strength to leave my house to go up to the cemetary. I know she's looking down at me and trying to comfort me. I feel her precence around me and pray that she gives me the strength to get through this. Anyways I'm going to lie down for a bit. been sitting online like a zombie all day today.
I hope tomorrow is a better day because I have to get myself back up so i can go into work on Monday and face the music. peace for now... Kat 
