  I will not think about this any more after this moment. I will not allow you access to my life... Leave me alone. "&nbsp; That was the last thing she&nbsp;wrote me before walking out of my life again, fictional reader.
I have thought about it many times. Last night as I went to bed and as always prayed for her the only thing I could come up with is "You are second best". Then I dreamt of a wedding proposal. This is a shitty deal. I shouldn't have been second best. But it should have never have been about any of this bullshit. The wedding plans or the kids religion or the $1900.00 rancher's chair from sundancecatalog.com.
The minute she gave me a second chance I should have asked why. I should have asked: &nbsp; "Are you willing to spend the rest of your life with me knowing that I am less than ideal? Am I what you want truely or are you just setteling? Are you really in love with me? " For me the answer was clear. She is what I wanted and what I needed. I didn't want to marry Adrienne's career, or her religion, or her diploma, or her eye color, or her dress size or any of those little things that didn't matter. I wanted to spend my life with the person I saw, for better or for worse beyond all that nonsense. Yes, she was using me. Yes, she always was. Yes, I was too foolish to see it for what it was. Yes, I am still in love with her. Yes, this love is a one way street. Yes, this blog will drone on and on.
I could be all wrong, perhaps she's waiting for me bags packed and ready to try again. I'm not a betting man but I roll the dice from time to time, and I wouldn't bet two fucking cents on those odds. She's home, doing her best to forget about me, and obviously like always ahead by leaps and bounds.
She's always going to be with me, for the rest of my days&nbsp;even if I never lay eyes on her again.&nbsp;If by chance this isn't the last thing she'll ever say to me, well I have no idea what it is I might say in&nbsp;return. Many thanks again to my many friends who enduring my constant&nbsp;whining.&nbsp; It's been a good morning for me. I ran the fastest seven mile pace I believe I ever have. At it's conclusion I nearly threw up, but am pleased none the less. But it's these little things one must do to put their life back together. My paper on the medieval merchant class is coming along well. I just hope I finish the class on time. I've been listening to that song from School of Rock that Adam Pascal sings.
It's very helpful, as is anything Amy Lee sings. I'm trying my best fictional reader, I really am. Even the very strong were once helpless. So today if I cross pass with that cute girl in the glasses I might just say hello. Isn't that how these things start in the first place?&nbsp; 
