  Church today.. it was nice to say the least. God works in mysterious ways... people dont just seem to say that for no reason. Its not like I didnt know this before, but now it seems so much more clear... so why am I still stuggling sometimes? there is so much to deal with... Isaiah and I are supposedly happy and doing this strange rendition of a relationship where he gets this chance to find his path back to himself, God, and what love really means. But for me, I am not as happy as I would like to be. I know that the events of Tuesday night (restraining and abandoning me stuff) isnt really at all like him, but it distrubes me to no end ... that through it all I didn't even feel an ounce of who i know is him. Even now when we talk about it, its not like he says stuff that I really need to hear.. like "i want you to know how sorry i am for the pain that i caused".. or something.. not that i think its all his fault.. but i wish when we talked about it, that the most important part of the conversation to him isnt how the police officer did his job and more about the events and the feelings destroyed in the process that was damaging because of impluse and rage....
I guess what i want is to have to feel for a moment what it was like for me... to say something...something that acknowledges some of the pain rendered to me and not focusing on.. his pain.. because i do that for him... 
