  I am so massively fucked up right now. Daniel is in Paris as of yesterday for about a week. When he comes back next week he is supposed to be coming down on Thursday (the new rescheduling, due to Maz's visit on Wednesday). I'm not sure what i'm thinking about it. I think i have to talk to him about things (if he doesnt read this before then, in the event of which: "Hey fannybaws! "), because we're not exclusive, and we cant be.
I cant get into that just now. Call it bullshit all you like, but i have no time during the summer holidays to maintain a proper relationship, and i dotn have time just now with my exams and shit that i have to deal with (including my mental state and the deal with my blackouts, headaches and coughing up blood). So it worries me, because we spoke the other day, and although ive wanted to have sex with him for a while now and would've quite willingly done it last week, Wednesday gave me a chance to sit and think about it. Sleeping together would be bad. I'd love it, and no doubt it'd be great. I cant think of anyone else right now id rather lose my virginity to.
But im the nearest thing to a boyfriend he's ever had, and we havent even kissed yet, and yet we're getting to a stage of emotional reliability (which is the exact part of a proper relationship that i cant hold up just now). Its not just him, im getting there too. God help me, but i love the guy. Doing "it" would just be a mistake then, because it does automatically create an emotional bond, wether u decide it will or not. Especially when it's your first time. I cant do that to him; or me.
Because that would just get us into a situation that we couldnt get out of easily enough - i cant give him what he wants right now. Despite low confidence when it comes to my looks, it turns out i'm not quite as damn ugly as i was sure i was. And it's true - it is a curse being this damn sexy :P Daniel wants me bad, as im sure we've established. But now i am gettting right fucked up. I had a talk with Greg last night, talking about Daniel, and he says he's disappointed that i cant see him right now, but when i can he hopes i can keep him in mind. And then there is the one who shall remain nameless as he may read this and not be too happy that i've announced it.
This guy and i met a while ago (friend of a friend), and i immediately liked him. We've not seen each other for ages, but the other night he added me to his Messenger contacts, and we've been talking a bit since. When i first met him, he was really cute, great smile, hot hair, good fashion sense but straight. I kept telling myself (and the friend whose friend he is) that deep down he was gay, just for a laugh and secretly hoping he wasnt gay, coz there goes my non-hurtful excuse as to why he would never be interested in me. Then, the other night, he told me he was gay. See ya non-hurtful excuse!
So we talked and talked. He hasnt been getting anywhere with guys (God only knows why - its one of those cruel mysteries, like "Why are all the good ones gay", "Why are all the good ones straight" and "Why are all the good ones dead"). Anyhoo, we were talking and i was all surprised and stuff, and i was telling him i didnt have the faintest clue why he wasnt getting any, and ended up complimenting him several times. And along the way admitting that i "used to have a huge thing for him" (heehee - that sounds so wrong). Then i backed up, he noticed it was awkward and asked me why. I was all like "i look like a complete buttwipe admitting i liked someone thats never been the slightest bit interested in me".
I was very very embarassed. "Buttwipe", party of one... That was until he claimed he liked me. Astounding. Utterly utterly gobsmacked, so i was. Hot guy i "used" to like telling me he liked me before. So the conversation proceeded.
He told me bout how he had admired me for my honesty and bravery and "dont give a shit what you think" attitude concerning my sexuality. He said something along the lines of "you were just so cute, and you acted as if you knew it" (i didnt). I really cannot believe this. Its amazing - im not as off-putting as i thought. Go Me! YAY!
When he last met me it was October '03, or thereabouts. I was knackered because of all the extra hours i had to put in for Higher Drama, plus I was a bit shorter and fatter (still on the up from my childhood obesity...okay i admit i had been fit months before, coz of SYT - this was the health lull, where i wasnt doing as much exercise or eating as well as i had during the summer). So if he liked me then, then i must be lookin good now, non mes companions? (Dont correct my french - i like it the way it is: ballsed up). I was all like "Its amazing to find out u used to like me" or sumthing along those lines that was much less dorky, and then came the big fucker. "Used to?
" Bugger! Bugger, bugger, bugger, bugger, bugger, bugger, bugger! BUGGER!!! Hasnt seen me in ages, but apparently im memorable. Shit. What the hell am i gonna do?!
Obviously im gonna do something. I just dunno wot it is. I might not do anything. I might've claimed last nite that i didnt miss daniel yet, but after that it set in. I need him to talk to. And to slap me in the face with a lil bit of a guilt-trip for even thinking about someone else.
Dammit. BUGGER!!!!!!!! ! 
