  greetings to the world now looking in to my blog. Since i added statcounter, i've seen where all my visitors are coming from. i never thought people would be interested in reading my ramblings, but it's all good. So what's new with me? My friend Ryan is here this week visiting and Clay is coming on Friday evening. The family is all here. it's good to see family. Well, the one I choose as my family. So, i have a few thoughts to write about tonight. First: my birthday was on Saturday and i did not get a card or a phone call from my biologicals. So i let it go and last night it finally got to me that I wanted to know why my egg doner did not call. My biologicals dont get names or titles for that's what they are, simply, biologicals. Anyway, i called her and asked how she was ans started a normal conversation without opening up that can of worms. well my biological did. she said that she didnt send me a card but she thought about me on my birthday.
ok fine. WHY NOT? i asked her calmly why she didn't call? she replied that she did not have long distance to Canada on her phone, not to mention my other biological would not allow that, he thinks i am a deserter for leaving the United States and coming to Canada. She said that SHE was not made of money. I ventured to ask why she could not go buy an international calling card for $10 and keep in in her phone book. She started calling me a whore and a failure and said that i could care less for them, yet i continue to call on a regular basis.
There is something you need to know here. My biological ( f ) has always maintained that I was the Mistake that never was supposed to have happened. My biological ( m ) is a battered wife who is married to a raging alcoholic who beats and mentally abuses her. She wil lnever leave. for better or worse right?? what the fuck. When i " Came Out" I moved away from home cause my father was a fag basher. Homophobe. He hates Fags!! When I was diagnosed HIV positive 13 years ago, my father humiliated me in front of a housefull of guests on Christmas 1997, by seating my separately from the others at dinner at a card table in a separate room, with platic plates, silverware and paper napkins.
Alone. They would keep bleach bottles in all the bathrooms, and lock me in the house at night, not allowing me to use the phone, cook, or have friends come to visit me when i was there. ( I am 37 now). I never went home again for another holiday. THE GREATEST PUNISHMENT TO THEM IS THE EMPTY CHAIR AT HOLIDAYS. AND EVERYBODY KNOWS WHY THAT CHAIR IS EMPTY. When I moved to Canada is 2002, my father called me a deserter for leaving the U.S. but here I have prospered, and survived alot better than when i was in Miami.
My biological ( m ) comes from Canada. My father has alienated all the Canadians out of her life, by making her choose over family or husband. she cannot have both. Now i am alienated as well. Much deeper. My step mother ( nancy ) she IS mother to me, has always encouraged me to keep a door open and try. and I've done that for now 37 years, only to have them slam the door in my face, when i venture to open it.
It's very sad. I am a family oriented man, who lives to have family, and the two people who agreed to bring me into the world, will not be. It breaks my heart. Being in recovery has been difficult because i cannot close that chapter of my life. I cannot make amends for the past, and i cannot move forward without them because i dont have closure in my molestation charges. ( my BIO (F) molested me when i was a child...now you know ) And I don't have certain answers that I deserve to know about. BUT i have moved forward, i have to live my life without them, and so i do that, to the best of my ability. What happened to men and respect and dignity? because i am different makes me less? being Gay does not give me rights in their book, and being HIV positive just kills me, in their eyes.
Now i live in Canada makes me persona non-grata. sad very sad. The rubber list is going to a premium site. I don't think i will be going with them. I cannot afford the charges added to my budget. I already belong to JUB and pay for member services there. I get forums, porn and stuff there. I may change over sometime, but with school starting soon, i won't be online very much.
time to buckle down. My dearest friend ... ( yes YOU ) has a problem and comes back to me for speculation and advice. well bud, you know what you must do I've given you my advice. Don't do what you did again until you have some definitive answer about whats aggrivating the sysytem. You cannot take any chances - we are sitting on the Last Watch, and I will tell you, I don't want YOU on my last watch list allright. I love you and i want you to be well and healthy. Specualting and not finding out the truth is just suicidal. You know better than that. that's all i have for you today. Cheers from Montreal Bye jon I love you ... 
