  First thing first how i'm feeling... shorty sometimes things change, people change and well yeah i'm changing iono if its for the best yet but daily im changing and i hope you can accept it if i back away.. I t's raining pr's seriously... umm well it's been a few days since I sat down and really hit the keyboard with my thoughts. I ain't been feeling opening up and what not, but stuff has been going down don't doubt the seriousness of my lifestyle. Last week was really chill, nothing overt everything was on the sly. The devil was there doing what he do and I was doing what I do. It gets to a point where spiritual warfare gets redundit and something has to change about the situation.
Add in some otha stuff to the equation... I've done that brought back some minor figures (tigger) and adding in some new figures... "Brit-brit" and "five" both half peurto ricans. It's like it's raining pr's up in here seriously. I still got Tweety and ana mae a major figure who turned less then minor is slightly back. We finally on talking terms again and I'll leave it at that. How do I really feel about all of this?
The whole world is in God's hands and I'm not trying to be too pretentous or get too close to any of these people. I'm trying to keep my word above everything that I won't open myself up to anyone and that Tweety is the last female that I allow myself to have to deal with on that "level. " However, I've come to realize you cannot garauntee a promise you know your heart won't keep. Spirits... homosexuality isn't the exclusion but especially the inclusion. It's catchable like a cold I kid you not. So that's why Paul said, "that darkness hath no fellowship with light.
" Sometimes I get so high minded that I forget you know very easily that could be me again back in the style. Lesbians ask me all the time why I gave up the style and I never really have an answer I just say there is a lot of reasons and giving one isn't enough. I don't know how long Brit and Five will be around in my life but I wanna set a mark for a reminder regardless what happens there. Brit is 17 year old lesbian who has a strong love for the Lord. It's like my job to enlighten her to the truth of God and expose to her that her truth isn't his truth. I'm seeing that my truth isn't his truth eitha so it's time for me to change clothes and renew my mind.
Brit is awesome don't get me wrong, our personalities click like beans and rice... we differen't but we taste great together. We work well together and we had a conference call this morning it was like 4 lesbians and me. Can you say interesting? It really was. I really just sat and listened to the conversation and the Holy Spirit brought back to my rememberance something that Dani said. She said that we have different mindsets.
A friendship between the two we be a game of "settling and conforming" on my part. I'd have to allow alot of their imperfections go because somethings aren't going to change like cursing, talking about sex, talking about how good a woman looks, and etc. Which wasn't the basis of our whole convo this morning believe it or not but it was in there. Brit and I was on the net in a chatroom wilding out together. She was like "say my name? " and she was talking about she was "biting me on my ankle and back" and she was "putting her finger in my open mouth.
" I paid her no attention for the most part and I tried to limit how much I appeased her. On top of that she was wilding out and I was like i'm going to tell so and so, the chick she suppose to be talking too. She says she like someone else and not the otha chick so I'm like oh okay well you know cool. We said a few other words and parted for the morning. We was all wilding out in chat like ALL NIGHT AND ALL MORNING LONG and we didn't get off the phone till almost 8 in the morn. She's a sweet girl and she's intrigued by me... i'm not gonna lie i'm drawn to her (like all the others but it ain't no thang.
) Like all things only time can tell. I put this on EVERYTHING when I say that CAN't NO FEMALE have me out there like Lisa, Kay, and Tweety. I know this to be truth because I've changed since I've met them but I met anotha yesterday who has possiblities of opening up a whole new world to me. Five her presence is real fresh from the start, and we clicked almost instantly I got her y! messenger name. She has a lot to offer, I'm saying she brings a lot to the table, and I'm saying she's willing to listen to what I have to say.
So I'm saying this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship. So I'm saying, what is so special about Peurto Ricans that catch my attention like no other? It isn't all pr's just certain ones, the ones who reflect my personality the most, the ones who reflect my idea of the "inperfect/perfect whatever...." I don't wanna say perfect woman cus that just ain't the case. During the phone conference we had two half pr's on the phone, one was Brit and the only was this chick who was cool but I wasn't paying no mind too. Which has me wondering why was I paying attention to Brit and not the otha? They both half pr, what makes one more special then the other.
We weren't vibing... I've met a lot of women, a few of them half pr's and out of all of them only 9 of them had/have me out there wondering what's the attraction why am i so drawn. I'm not attracted to them in a sexual way cus I don't know them like that these newer few but the others I was i mean i dated 3 of them, talked to 2 of them, crushed on 1 of them, was really cool friends with 1 of them and just getting introduced to 2 of them. I'm like discrations will comem that's evident the devil ain't gon let me slide through the cracks. However he can't be everywhere like God, he has his lil demons stepping to me with all this nonsense. I've come to learn a few things and i wanna enlighten someone with it.
Take whatever the devil gives you and turn it around for Good so GOD can get ALL the glory! Tweety and Tigger... Tigger and Tweety I'll be the first to admit that Tigger has touched a soft spot with me. As much as I push her away out of my life, I continue to pull her back in. This morning as I tried to go to sleep after I got off the net she said something so profound on a tm. "You know what I realized that I have love for you for real ain't that something? I don't know i just got this feelin that you really care and it's not a front unlike some ppl that claim they my friends and trust this is a rare thing 4 me.
" Yeah... it's all about God's love, turning what the devil meant for bad into Good so that GOD could get the glory! Now that's whats up! She's the only chick that i've cut for who ain't pr... lol. I remember when we first met, she had mad 21 questions. Trying to feel me out and I put this on everything my homie Shae and me use to talk bad about her. Not in the sense that we was talking bad about her, we would be telling the truth and just laughing at it.
We have an understanding we care about Tigger and I'll be the first to step up and say I got her back. I know Shae does too, regardless to what we say we don't care we will talk about her in front of her cus it's love like that. I met Tigger in person, so it ain't like this is just some chick I don't know like them rest off bp. We have mutual friends and we've been in the physical presence of each other. I've let her read my journal *the real one and this one*, I've let her meet my parents and my play parents, and I've even had her over for my birthday party. Real love is like GOD's love.. unfailing and long suffering... etc.
I have that for everybody but it's more evident in some more then others. I'm wilding out cus Tweety and I are STILL friends! We haven't had any issues since May and after those two times we've been good. Letting my darkness be exposed to the light has truly helped us. She's read this journal too... lol. I was nervous about that but she reassured me that it would be okay and it has... it really has.
After all we've been through it truly has only made our friendship stronger and it has helped me become more secure as a person. I don't trust people, I don't trust my parents, i don't trust my counselor so what makes YOU think i'm gonna trust her? yeah.. lol. I don't have much to say about her our once fresh, new, hip and exciting friendship has turned into a regular run of the mill association. Association isn't strong enough and she'd be hurt if she read that so I'll say we've settled for complacency in our friendship. We don't talk on the phone anymore, we don't tell the other whats going on in our lives, we don't tell the other how the devil torments us and we don't talk about anything serious and deep like we use too.
We've gon from the deeper things in life like talking about spirituality and carnality to talking about prego women's food cravings and why we still awake at 3(her)/5(me) in the morning. but like the gay negro spiritual go... " Iiiiiiahiiiiii I won't complain! " I tried to get us back on that level and she wasn't able to go "deep with me. " I need that I need to talk about deep things, i hate wasting my breath on meaningless untrivial banter! Are we still meeting... i'm gonna give it to you the way she gave it to me... "I don't know yet! " and just leave it at that.
Other tidbits of info... Amy's mom died earlier last week... when I read that i wanted to cry for her. She had already lost her dad and now she's lost her mom. How do you begin to heal from that? How do you bounce back? I sent my condolenscences you know cus she's been on my mind lately and I hadn't seen her around. Now I know why, it just really puts my relationship with my parentals back in perspective I need to seriously get down on my knees and seek out God for perspective for her as well as for me.
[R/i/P] your pain is finally over. A year of change: the book My book is umm... with the publishing company. Within the next few weeks I'll be getting a response from them.. after the two weeks I've had while waiting. I know I NEED that book to be published by this company. I need my testimony to get out their I mean this is so serious. I need that it's gonna help a lot of folxs and a few of them who know me who don't understand me they are gonna get a chance too.
My prayer is God's will be done and this is God's will for my life. Whether I like it or feel I'm ready for it. It's gonna give me the closure I need with my ex(S) that i couldn't get any other way. I've talked to most of them about it and they are cool.. lol. Okay 2 are cool.. one is like give me a name that really sticks out and makes me special don't give me no blah name like "Lisa" So I was like aight.. and I came up with, with her help of course... Quimarrah Jones. Pretty huh?
I know I know.. L-boogie and star got skills... poppin collas. Thoughts on my ex's since I've talked to and AT them Lisa and Tweety are pretty close in their months of pregnancy... it's weird. One night i was talking to both of them and it was getting gross talking about food cravings. One is having a boy and the other is having a girl and the names they chose.. they would be some creative somebodies... such a way with words and syllabuls. L-boogie aka Lisa is ready and waiting to read it. So that makes me feel like so... so naw it makes me feel excited!
Tina was umm.. as usual "3C" calm, cool, collected.. lol. Diamond igged me as usual.. lol. The shocker was Kay.. she wasn't trying to here me she didn't want to talk to me and she didn't know what I had to say. I pray that everything works out on her behalf, and since I prolly won't try again to talk to her. I hope when my book does come out I can have one of those cardboard cut outs with my face on it. N one of her friends see it when they go to the mall pick up a copy of the book, well two one for kay and one for them...lol.
Yeah, no matter what happens when you love someone you ALWAYS love them. The way you love may change but you never stop loving or you never loved at all. Period. My Jerry Springer final thought: Everything happens for a reason and I don't understand that but I trust God. I don't get why my best friend called ME friday and asked me for some money to get food. She got parents... and then right now my mom just asked me for some money.
Now these ppl don't ask me for much so you would think i wouldn't have a problem with it but I DO. When you ask someone for some money well when u ask me, that's an instant turn off, my money in other ppls hands do not mix. I have no problem giving don't get it twisted but giving is when YOU decide to give of yourself not when someone else decides they screwed up so now they want you to come bail them out. Because this is what this is. I've screwed you u know and i never asked anything from any body. I never asked anybody for money.
Now I'm not being harsh about my mom asking for money, i'm being harsh cus she said she'd give me the money back and well I've heard that one before and I still ain't seen the money so just don't say you gonna give it back. My best friend I settled that issue easily I said i'm gonna give it to you as a birthday present because if I don't i'm not gonna like you as a friend anymore. Their was a situation around this time last year were this girl asked me for some money. Being nice and trusting her I gave her more then she asked for. She never paid me back... and that upset me you know cus we was suppose to be like really close friends. Well we fell out because of that and she's like i'll give you your money back now and i'm like now i dont even want it because if you do give it back to me now its only gonna make me more upset.
This women who I don't know from adam gonna try to ask me for some money... what i look like? I got bills too you know? I'm trying to save for a car and I can't because i keep on spending the money and now others are asking me for it. if you can't tell i'm agg'd i mean my chest is beginning to burn. I just tell myself it's better to give then to recieve and i take solace in that. God's got the whole world in his hands...
Thought of the day: 2+2=4 just like that God holds the whole world in his hand... 
