  I hate the thought of me having feelings for females. I'm so sick of it all of it. The torment, the lustful feelings, the unnatural desires, the smell, the memories, and the vain dreams that he torments me with. I hate it all. I hate being drawn to women, I hate not knowing how to act around them, I hate the fact that I get nervous and I don't know what to say, I hate being tormented, I hate being called gay, I hate people saying your still gay you haven't changed, I hate having to loose friends because somehow we let the devil slip in. I hate it all... Why?
Why? did I ever have to be gay? Out of all the millions of billions of trillions plus people who have never been gay or even let the thought cross there way why me? why? why? why?
I mean could it be possible that someone in my family or close to my family rubbed this demon off onto me? Why can't I shake this demon... why won't God take this cup from me. Maybe I was born this way? No that can't be it... that thought isn't even okay. But I mean we were born into sin, so maybe this is my sin to face. People can tell that something is different about me.
That some demon is on me trying to get back his "supposed" rightful place. Ugh, I could scream, I could cry, I can sleep it off but sleep is no better then being awake. Being awake is no better then being sleep. I'm just here mindless in a daze, amazed at the sights and lights i've been blessed to see. It's times like these that I need Jesus to come comfort me. To reassure me that this is his will, reassure me that it's over and I'll never go back again.
To reassure me that there won't be anotha female trying to tempt me back into this lustful. To reassure me that one day tweety and I could maybe finally be friends. Why... why... Why... but I don't wanna question God, You say I could pick your brain if I pick your book up. I did and James 1:13-14 is what you gave me. I realize what went wrong, I realize where I sinned but come on' why can't we be friends. I hated being gay...
I hated being me... right now my life isn't the best... there's nothing great about being me. If i can learn to accept the things i cant change, and learn to never question God maybe I'd be better off. Maybe so but not today. i hate the thought of me being gay. I hate the thought of those who dismissed my claim and said i was never this way and i hate the fact that there are those who still claim I'm gay. I'm chilling cus trust I don't wanna be this way. 
