  It’s a damp night out, all foggy and mild and quiet. Like out of a Dostoevsky novel. It’s a strange night. I feel like I’m on the edge of something profound, whether realization or event I’m not sure. And what I’m left with is this anxiety of expectation, of what once again I’m not sure. This is a really unsettling feeling. I’ve been pacing, trying to keep myself busy, drinking, watching the clock… and all for a reason I can’t pinpoint. A million and one thoughts and possible scenarios are running through my mind, but none of them are clicking to the point where I let out the breath I feel like I’m holding in and say: “Ah, yes! So that’s it!” I keep thinking that maybe all of this is just because tonight is the first real night that I’ve taken it easy in a long time, and the first while in months that I’ve gone more than a day without ingesting something.
This is probably it, but it just feels like more right now. I don’t fucking know… I have a friend who is in a bit of tough place right now. I don’t think it ever gets easier to watch someone you’re close to go through a difficult time. Especially when you know it is required and there is no way around it.
But seeing things happen, well it takes a lot to sit back and let them run their course when all you want to do is step in and take complete control in order to rectify whatever situation may be causing them pain. But you don’t, you can’t. The same way we all have to deal with our issues in order to allow us room to learn and grow. Seeing my friend go through this, hearing about it – well it brings back all of these emotions and fears erupting inside me. Fears for myself, fears for my friend. Fuck, how much do we hold back from each other and the people we care about for reasons we can’t even figure out? No wonder we’re all wandering around lost and confused and feeling completely fucked up. Honestly? All I want to do is to be able to turn to my friend and tell them all that I know, tell them what they need to do to make everything better and alright, I want to tell them how proud I am of them, how much faith I have in them and what they can do, how much respect I have for them… and more importantly, have them really listen . Have them believe me. I want to soothe away all their fears and insecurities. And through this have them soothe away mine. But it’s always those close to us, and I speak this of my own experiences only, that we listen to the least.
We find more profound advice and comfort in people and places that have distance from what is near to our hearts and whatever situation we may be in. We find comfort in falsities. And those of us close, well we feel left behind and useless waiting for the ones we care about to come around, if they ever actually do is a completely different story. We feel rejected because the help we want to offer is not accepted as readily as it is from others, we feel it goes by unnoticed. But then we come full circle and ask ourselves if we really did ever offer it in the way we could have, in a way that would have made a difference.
There are so few people in this world I actually give half a shit about that it crushes me beyond belief when one of them is hurting and there is nothing I feel I can do to help ease it away. But here I will continue to sit, being as I’ve always been in the past and simply wait, just in case the day comes when they turn to me and ask me for help, ready to listen and ready to believe me. 
