  “Out of intense complexities, intense simplicities emerge. " - Winston Churchill Mostly gray days with humid breezes, glide around me and take me away to times of no responsibility.
When the sun breaks through, a small victory is announced, and people multiply on streets and sidewalks talking on cell phones and smiling as they go for coffee. Like recess. As clouds break at night, I look over the wall of my apartment complex at the Coronado bridge. The tiny lights dot the sky over the blackness of the water, making it look as though it was floating.
It seems endless at night. Stretching out into the distance and seeming to just disappear among the clouds and stars. I always think that it’s a magic bridge somehow. That we could drive over it and make a wish, which would most certainly come true. The universe has surrounded me in loving arms of support, sending messages as fast as I can receive them. When working for Ema (the project has now ended but I have made new friends -- Jake included) I wondered about the next step, the next project, the Boy, my possibilities.
There was a day when I began to believe the whole thing with the Boy was too complicated and wondered if I should just walk away. This is not my normal thought process. I believe we are lucky to have loving moments, moments of love, tenderness, excitement…whatever it is…with someone we receive as a gift. Moments where we are able and willing to play in the fields of wild abandon are few and far between. This Boy, this Man, brought full realization to these moments for me. And, I was scared to death.
I was one moment accepting this for what it is in the moment, and the next feeling like I had to take some dramatic action to shake it up or stop it. Long conversations with his voice on the other end of the phone, missing me, from out in the middle of nowhere. His words on the phone and in letters brought happiness, and hope. I was able, for the first time in four years, to really let someone in. I calmed myself by methodically finishing a project or going through routines…when all along I had to catch my breath at the thought of his voice, the touch of his hand, the depth of his word.
This is the point where I begin to panic, thinking it’s all too much…too soon…to complicated. The universe had other ideas. I drive down the street to see a young man walking wearing a bright t-shirt with Boy’s home state across it in capital letters. After work, I go to the store and see license plates from there… people talking about there…a state I’ve never heard much about where I live.
I finally succumbed. Okay okay, mercy…I said to the universe. I get your point. I still, as of this night, find my heart heavy due to email and telephonic communications…maybe miscommunications…and wondering if truly he is standing next to me on this page. Behavior said today, tonight, that maybe not. Time will tell what our purpose is to each other. Maybe it’s already fulfilled it’s destiny. My birthday was a couple of days ago. At one point in my life, I would have been excited about it.
Now, due to disappointments and drama over the years, I barely acknowledge it. Boy knew, but him being out doing navy things, I wouldn’t see him. Late in my day, a surprise comes in the form of sunshine…a dozen sunflowers (he knows I love them). In the gray day that it was, and the gray days that it has been since, there is this bright spot sent from across the world.
The cats try to eat them, and Petie looks up at them as if they were what he worshipped…big eyes, solid gaze, twitchy tail. I look at them and wish I could put the feeling of them and the thought of my Boy in a bottle to show him this summer. For some reason, I find myself off. Tears are just below the surface today. Laughter lives there, too. It’s as if one cannot survive without the other. I suppose they can’t, from the perspective of balance. This moment finds them holding hands in intimate conversation. They know their purpose. It’s not their place to reveal. I am not sad, I am basically happy. But, blue and black are inexplicably on my palette. I paint with them unwillingly, but out of some sort of necessity.
I now take pen to paper (the original form of this post) to explore their presence and meaning. I’m not sure if it’s for me to know, or only to experience. Letting go any preconceived notion of their essence: good, bad, fun, painful. If happiness were my martini, these colors and the emotions they represent would be my olives. I paint sparingly and unwillingly…but always knowing they will be a part of my painting. My thoughts turn to the sense of melancholy I feel.
Is there a reason? Or is it just a general state-of-the-union sort of thing? These are the days when we must appreciate our more delicate, less sunny emotions. The side of us we hide from others. We need to visit this place from time to time. It’s a place of calm and introspection. A place of wonder and thought. We have a center, a place to breathe, where we can gather strength and focus.
It’s not a place for disappointment. Every lovely piece of artwork has a back side or underneath that remains simple and untouched. It’s not what we show, but it serves a purpose of support and space for which the artist can begin her work. It is as vital and essential and beautiful…in it’s way…as the finished product full of meaning and texture and color. This is a place that sometimes we all visit and resist. We fight and claw declaring ourselves in no need of this space.
When we resist, we only find resistance. When we surrender, we find acceptance and serenity. Even in the middle of the storm, surrender brings acceptance. We must work hard and speak out on behalf of ourselves, those we love, our causes. Surrender means to accept that we have very little control over our lives and the chaos they may be in from time to time.
Lack of control only means that things will happen, that we do not want…that we do not like…that bring us pain. Our mind is able to see that suffering, and remind us that we knew it would come. It has come before. We will be okay. Our mind is able to find the details that bring us happiness and peace…to refocus all the energy from the challenge to the beauty. Surrender has always been a part of my life and of myself that I chose to believe I didn’t really need.
I see now how foolish that was. I cannot control what job I get, who I love, or what my family chooses to do and believe. I fought it. I resisted. When I stopped fighting, peace came. I have to readjust and look for it again and again. It gets easier. But, it’s there for me. Waiting to show me that my happiness is always waiting for me, and that I cannot fight things beyond my control.
Tonight, I find myself focusing on small details to, once again, shift my perspective…and realizing it’s okay to be the underneath of the sculpture. I find my intentions. I intend to look at those sunflowers every minute I can and feel their intention from so far away. I intend to take care of my sweet girl, Trinity, who needs me. I intend to keep Ema and Jake in my life. I intend to put my work out there and be published. I intend to crawl into cool, clean white sheets knowing that I have done my spirit’s work for that day.
I intend not to fall back in old patterns, but if I do, do be gentle and nonjudgmental of myself. I am grateful for my Aunt Judy who sent me a brilliantly hand drawn birthday card. I am grateful for Freedom, in every meaning of the word. I am grateful for artists before me and spiritual guides around me who have shown me the way. And, I am grateful that my team is in the playoffs and won the first game against Dallas – and I got to watch the game.
Every little thing in our lives deserves gratitude. Tonight, as I head of to bed, I am grateful for my eccentricities and my imperfections. I am grateful for my ability to be insightful and help people I love. I am grateful for my boy Petie who is acting like a loon at this moment and cracking me up. When I take a moment to refocus, even with something hanging heavy on my heart or my mind, I find the things in my life that bring beauty.
We all have those things if we can breathe and look for them. All of us have beauty. Every life with beauty in it, is worth celebrating. We all are a celebration of the best things in life. 
