  Hello my babies, It's been an interesting holiday weekend, and yes, I know its Wednesday already. For a while there, the haze of booze, drugs, and NO proper girls took its toll. As we all know, my recent streak or track record, or luck or whatever it is has been sadly off the mark. The stock is either very much older than me, only a little older than me and apprehensive of it, illegally very much younger than me, hideous, married, parents of small children, or multiple combinations of these.
Anyway, I went to a really cool party (I'm not sure if people still use the word "cool" anymore), there a couple of friends of mine married not too long ago. I haven't seen most of those people in a while so immediately, I'm paranoid and worrying about how I'm going to get home because its a whiles away from my place and its a bitch to get to without a car. In terms of my vaginal magnometer seeking device, I'm not the type to walk into a room and quickly survey the room for "play". Now I realize I should start doing that. I start off drinking way too much (not sloppy), and not eating enough. For some reason I become enamored with one girl there who I swear to god looks exactly like urlLink Soleil Moon Frye , which automatically drives me nuts. Of course I'm unable to properly put the moves on her or anyone else because of what could be described now as depression or crippling insecurity or whatever. As a defense mechanism or extreme case of just being a pussy, I decide instead to voice my shyness to my friend, host of the party, when he asks why I'm not going for it. I explain my poor social skills now, being used to being with my ex for so long. He responds with some "I know what you mean" and its all bullshit and get over it, which helps but this is what pisses me off that I'm such a pathetic asshole that I'm reduced to third party high school prom interaction.
A couple of more drinks, and now she (Punky Brewster) and another girl (her best friend and hostess of party) are dancing in front of the couch I'm sitting on. I'm trying my best not to ogle. I think that's polite, being raised right and all, I mean my friends married to her so that's creepy right? Wrong - girls just think that's gay. Somehow I end up dancing, making eye contact and all, that type of crap, everything is cool and I'm finally talking to her. 32 bong hits still later, a couple of shots with her (this whiskey thing where you suck on a sugared lemon afterwards), and I'm so preoccupied with getting a ride home and not being stuck that I don't get a number or anything.
On one hand, ok, now I know her so the next time I see her it's completely on, it does helps that her best friend is my friend's wife. On the other hand its still sad to take so much time regrouping and overthinking. I'm ultra responsible right now, and I know I'm in a situation where this back problem spills over and affects all aspects of my life, making me very quiet in public.
I just think I don't have much to offer a woman right now so they're just not going to be interested, and in turn I end up not even bothering. I really feel like I'm losing it but I also know I MUST increase this rate of only making a move every 3 years or something. What I also learned that night was that the first step is arrangements. I was told bluntly at one point something along the lines of "well why aren't you going out anywhere? " Of course I'm like "Well I don't have a huge spending budget, transportation, friends, blah blah blah" but then we both agree that hanging out in the neighborhood I live in isn't going to help. How can I be so stupid? I ignored the glaringly obvious fact that first off, there's no eligible ass around here. Secondly, the circle is so small that it is not practical to keep going local with hopes of meeting someone of substance.
This Grizzly don't want everyone else's honey up in my bear claws. I'm on a motherfucking tirade right now, I finally have someone to go to the urlLink Siren Music Festival in Coney Island with, something I'm not too personally connected to I just really want to go to see as much music as possible this summer. I'm just not as uptight and nervously hunched shoulders like anymore, which is good. So that was Sunday.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Next day, Monday after holiday which I didn't know but is also considered the holiday day, I went to yet another barbecue. Huge departure from the previous day, but enjoyable nonetheless. This is a bbq at my dad's girlfriend's house. Keep in mind my other neurosis over not being able to speak the language of my people, Spanish. Needless to say, this was going to be tricky too.
It was a good time, didn't speak much as usual, though I didn't feel as bad about it as the previous day. Now for the other side of my dilemma del nookie. There must have been 5 young girls there doing the whole giggling from afar thing. I get the whole, "oh, they like you" thing, and I'll be honest, a couple of them had asses you could smash a urlLink '67 Chevy into.
Expectedly, they turn out to be 16-17 years old, which makes you feel very creepy. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Kanye West: Live at the Hard Rock is on right now, on that channel where they play the music videos and stuff. He didn't immediately tickle me when he first arrived "on the scene", but there's something about that urlLink Jesus Walks song and the video that is very good, and I'm not religious or anything. My new mantra: " Jesus Walks - God show me the way because the devil tryna break me down" " Jesus Walks - And I don't think there's nothing I could do now to right my wrongs" 
