  Well not quite, but almost. I was listening to my Maroon 5 album (fantastic band, if you haven't heard of them, find out about them now! ) and a track called "she will be loved" came on. It was one that pulled on me, because it's about someone who has never been by themselves..."she's always belonged to someone else". I think that's where I've gone wrong. The only time I have been single since I was 15 was for a few months when I was 22/23, and y'know, that says a lot.
I bounce from one relationship to another hoping to accidentally stumble across the right one. So when I listen to this song, I'm thinking - she's lucky. At least she's got someone who feels like that! I kind of make do with what's there at the time instead of aiming a bit higher. I think a lot of people do, and it's sad, but it's like my addiction to sugar. When I was a kid I used to break open the jar with the sugar in it and just eat spoonfuls of it. I remember being in a cafe beside the beach where I used to live, and eating a bowl of sugar cubes that was on the table. Now I've moved on to not being quite so blunt (honest? ) about it by piling it into coffee, tea, having chocolate etc.
So I'm getting a bit classier with my sugar, so why not my men? I was writing a personal ad in my head yesterday (I was very bored at work) and I realised that if I actually wrote down my ideal man, I would realise he doesn't exist. I don't know if I've been "making do" because I genuinely think I can find someone like him given time, or what. I do have this mentality of something better will always come along, but it never is better. I want to be in a situation where I don't *want* anything better.
I hope that makes sense. I want to be with someone that I'm wrapped up in, that when I'm with him we're the only two people on earth, I want to pine for him when he's away from me, not be glad for the break! I've been in a few relationships now. I'm a serial monogamist, and I throw myself entirely into it in the beginning until it starts to go downhill in one way or another. Now please bear in mind that I would give Mr Right my soul (not that he would ask for it) but that's how I am with people I love. So if I go over my big 4, I hope you see that it's not all been my fault. I hope it hasn't anyway.
The first one was when I was a teenager and at university and I had my own place. The guy moved in without me noticing. You know...one night here, a t-shirt there...suddenly he was a fixture. He was a student too, and did nothing except play computer games. I was studying for a (hefty) degree and working too, and I'd come home after maybe a 16 hour day to find the place in exactly the same state I left it, although he had the day off, because he hadn't moved from the sofa. Literally. It wouldn't surprise me if he had a glass beside him that he was pissing in to save having to get up for that. Plus he didn't contribute anything to our cost of living. So that was one down, although it took me about a year to get the guts to properly cut him off.
Number two got me pregnant within 4 months when I was 20 and then proceeded to abuse me mentally and physically, threaten my friends, my family, and our daughter, and forced me to give up my degree course and all my plans for my life. I remember when I was 7 months pregnant he held me down and stuffed packet after packet of paracetamol in my mouth because I found out he had been cheating on me. His big thing was that his wife had cheated on him - he played on that a *lot* - so for him to be caught out as a cheat was a pretty bad prospect for him and he would have rather have created a fake suicide and killed me and the baby. Luckily (kind of) for me, my body was used to me chucking all sorts of (prescription) things at it, so I threw up, my liver processed the rest, and I got merrily on my way. I have left the city I grew up in, with daughter in tow, because of him, and I will forever be ex-directory and will never register on the electoral roll to eliminate the more obvious ways he could find me.
So that wasn't one of the better ones. Number three was going through a divorce with 2 kids and was highly traumatised by it. He was the closest I've ever got to my ideal man, and I absolutely worshipped him, but he wasn't ready for anything. So for my own sake I had to cut that one off. It never really got past the initial fairly casual stages anyway.
He still plays on my mind, but I know it would never have worked out. He did help clarify some of what I would be looking for though, so that's a good thing. Number 4 I met through work and I am with just now, and he's bleeding me dry. I pay for everything here, and I don't earn that much. He has a crappy job but plenty of experience to get a much higher paid one, but I think he's just lazy and wouldn't want the responsibility that would come with it. We had agreed on a monthly payment from him to me, but there's constant excuses for why he can't stump it up. So at the moment, I am £4k in debt (£3k more than this time last year) and it's growing steadily. He's a good bloke, don't get me wrong. I don't think he'd ever be unfaithful, but I think that would be more because of the hassle of trying to keep it quiet. He doesn't have a clue why I would want to 1) get a better job 2) move cities to get a better job if necessary 3) possibly complete my degree and change career totally 4) ever have more children 5) ever have sex, for that point.
I think my not-so-grand canyon will dry up at this rate. But my daughter likes him, and although I know I could do better (here we go! ) I also know I can do much, much worse, because I have. I think my biggest issue is that I can't have a conversation with him.
He hasn't read a book since he was at school, and I read ALL THE TIME. He has no interest in anything religious or spiritual, and I'm very curious about it. If I mentioned Beethoven, he'd think I meant the dog. If I try and explain anything to him about anything, he just goes along the lines of "yeah, whatever". So it's frustrating, in more ways than one. I feel a sugar headache coming on so I better go and top myself up a bit, and stop frickin whinging! I don't want you to think I'm a moany bitch (although I can be). I might bless you with my "perfect man" list once I've had my obligatory hot sugar water with a dash of caffeine. Nessie x 
