  One of the things about Boo that is really great for me is that he’s domestic. I moved into a house that he already owned when we got engaged, and he has continued to take primary responsibility for keeping things on the home front running smoothly. I wait for him to say, “Ok LibrarianOnTheLoose, you clean the kitchen and bathroom and mop the floors while I mow the lawn and trim the hedges.” Ok, so he doesn’t call me LibrarianOnTheLoose, but you get the idea. The only thing I have control over (and the only thing I want control over – I am not by nature particularly domestic) is what we are going to eat. But that’s been out the window since he’s been spending every night at his parents, and sleeping over there on the weekend. So for me it’s been take out Chinese, pizza, wings. I am just not in the mood to cook something if he is not going to be here to eat it with me. In addition, I am doing emotional eating, taking comfort in my favorite foods to make up for his absence and to calm myself from being upset over his mom’s demise.
It is really weird, in yoga they would call it the “witness state” where you are observing everything that’s going on in your brain, but doing nothing to interact or change the thinking. I KNOW I am on a chaos spiral and I know what I am supposed to be doing, but I am just sitting back watching it happen. So today I did a compromise thing. After I went to the gym (forcing myself to keep up the routines without boo other wise I’d really be up shit’s creek without a paddle) I took myself out to brunch at a luncheonette in an upscale suburb, and got a vegetable omelet with tomato basil toast.
Since I didn’t eat breakfast (well I had some Andes chocolates), this would count for two meals. But the good thing about this luncheonette is that they make terrific, rich, homeade soups, and they freeze the extra and sell it. Did I mention they are having a 2 for 1 sale? When Boo was home to shower and change yesterday, we went there for lunch and bought some soups and baked goods for his dad. Well, I decided to buy some for myself today. Manhattan clam chowder and seafood chowder and a $1 loaf of bread and scones.
This stuff has to be better for me than the pizza and Chinese, and it’s just as quick and easy. Plus it is delicious and cheap. I am thinking of it as damage control. I may be going back and getting more by the end of the week if the plan works. The other strategy I am going to employ if I get sick of soup is the huge salad strategy. I will make a huge salad with a wide variety of vegetables and maybe some turkey and ham or garbanzo beans to give it protein. Then, worried that the salad will spoil and be wasted, I will eat a big bowl of it every night until its gone. One cooking episode to make the salad, and then it’s just scoop and eat. I bought two organic dressings when I was in Buffalo, some kind of green garlic, and then roasted pepper vinaigrette.
In the mean time, I am trying to stay on top of the house, doing the dishes, making the bed. I discovered the garbage is full (of Chinese containers, no doubt), and instead of magically emptying like when Boo is here, I will have to empty it on my way out today. I am actually trying to use some of Dr. Phil’s advice: first, by implementing the soup and salad plan, I am programming my environment so that I will not continue to fail in the eating department.
And by keeping on top of the house, I am working his other key about finding things to do in your life that give you a reward and keep you from overeating. Boo’s Aunt Peg and Uncle Skip came up last night from New Jersey to visit his parents, and were shocked to find out how badly Boo’s mom has deteriorated. She no longer speaks clearly, instead you hear what I can only describe as a“querulous drone” which is a phrase from Ethan Frome by Edith Wharton. She has an old person’s wheeze and a wretched cough. She does not seem to recognize anybody and mostly sleeps, unless she is in pain; then the drone. The hospice people said the last thing to go is the hearing, so Boo’s dad and Boo’s brother made CD mixes of her favorite songs and they are playing them for her. They also plan on playing these CDs at her funeral, with a digital photo montage of pictures of her. Everybody has gone from praying for a speedy recovery to praying for a peaceful passing. 
