  i need to clear something up. bagelhands are very different from bagelhammers. lemme explain. when hews and i stroll upstairs for a morning bagel, there is a moment of sheer terror that whisks by our earthly selves: will there be bagels at the bagel station? for if there are not bagels, we'll simply be jimmy and joey emptyhands, and we'll have to return to our seats without bagels. this is a terrible start to a day. usually it takes at least until lunch time for disappointment to set in. our saving grace is to see someone cavorting about the hallways bagelhanded. that person has a bagel. and unless it has been brought in from the outside or somehow cultivated within the confines of our engineering building, which i doubt could support hydroponics but could possibly be irrigated, then indeed there are bagels at the bagel station. but i got to thinking ... what if someone who has become bagelhanded forfeits their opportunity for morning hunger slaking and instead continues to be bagelhanded.
maybe they stay bagelhanded throughout the remainder of the day. maybe two days. at some point those bagels become stale, and stale leads to hard. bingo. that's when you've become bagelhammered. at that point, you're basically a superhero. you have bagelhammers for hands. if you're standing in line at your bank, and someone attempts to dynamite your safe deposit box and steal that picture of your cat Horace from when you were five, just start swinging.
bagelhammers will separate foe from consciousness instantly. most deliciously too. and since he'll be expecting the lovingly soft embrace of a standard bagel, it'll be that much more shocking when he realizes that he's been clonked with a bagelhammer, a tool that doctor claw would most definitely administer to his MAD agents were he to have enough time and bagels. so it is of dire consequence that you take great caution when toting bagelhammers about. keep your hands close, and your bagelhammers closer. 
