  dejected does not even begin to describe the level of depression, pissed off, disappointed, & sadness i feel right now. jesus christ, i don't even have the fucking urge to capitalize my goddamn sentences. if you know me, you'll know that's fucking bad.
i had hope for this evening. i don't know what for, but what i got wasn't it. i need a companion. a wife. a soulmate. i need more than a friend can give. and i have nothing. i need someone who will be there when i come home, who i can ask how her day went, and when she asks me how mine went, i can say, even if it was shitty, "honey, YOU just made it the best day of my life. " if i am ever lucky enough to have that for one day, 1 life would be grand, but 2, if she ever left, after have knowing what it's like to have her here, i don't think i could live w/out her.
look how fucking bad i am now, BEFORE i even KNOW what life is like with her, let alone actually feeling and experiencing the joy, the life she gives me and then taking it all away, i don't think i would or could live after that. what a pathetic piece of shit i am. look at me, i'm garbage. fucking going to sleep at fucking quarter to midnight on a goddamn fri night. fucking worthless..... 
