  I finally cried last night - just buried my head in my pillow and let it all go. The thing about being fair complected (how does one even spell that? ) is that when you cry, you get splotchy. And for me - it means my eyes will be swollen the next day and people might think: bee sting? both eyes?? So.
Thank God it's Sunday. If I was a better mom we'd be getting ready for church. I grew up going. They go to a Christian daycare so it isn't like it is "Jesus who? " but still. Church is something I always enjoyed growing up.
It's awkward now though. Yes, I've got 2 girls, 2 and 4. No, I'm not divorced. Not married. Never married. Not gay.
Ok...so...um....why? And I don't feel like answering that. You think people might wonder this to themselves and wouldn't really ever ask. But they do. Eventually, they do. I'm not a secretive person, but sometimes I just don't feel like sharing everything with people at church.
So we're home. Everyone was sleeping until a few moments ago. And today I'm feeling better. Last night I was trying to think of what direction I want my life to go and what might help me most career wise. I think I might start working towards a masters in healthcare management. Can you get a double MBA?
I don't know - but I sort of miss taking classes. Not that I love accounting so much (I had those kind of people in my class - who would be the type to get a cup of coffee and talk until midnight about revenue recognition), I just think that learning new things keeps my mind on. Like exercise for the brain. The thing about hda and my boyfriend is they are both like my dad in the way they've treated me. They care about me, but not enough. The net effect has made me feel like I'm just not quite good enough and upon reflection, I think I've just made poor choices.
(Because clearly I am worth it. ) My dad and I were close - I was a daddy's girl. Went everywhere I could with him. When I was in college he started dating someone and married this person - she was (and is) 7 years older than me. She didn't like that my dad had an entire family (four daughters) and history without her. She got jealous when he spent any time with us (I wish I was kidding - you want to talk unbalanced THAT is emotionally unbalanced).
Eventually he cut us out of his life. For years I hated her. I finally realized that was stupid. It was just easier. My dad was an adult and it was his choice to cut us out of his life, regardless of what someone demands of you, you always have the choice to do what you think is right. So if I was going to hate anyone, I should hate him.
And I can't hate my dad - so I'm just sad about it. I've got 2 kids he would just love and who would love him, and they don't know him. Never seen anything but a picture. For my dad it was mostly about money - his new wife is the only child of a rich family and money is not a problem. They travel all over the place - last year it was Hawaii. (and they generously sent my daughter a $10 bill for her birthday...) He is living the life he always wanted to live.
The price was his relationship with his kids. The boyfriend and hda aren't as extreme as that - but all the same - the choices they've made mean I'm not important enough. Interesting how we tend to repeat idiotic patterns over and over in our lives. They say the first step is realizing there is a problem. Ditching the boyfriend and letting go of hda and moving on - easier said than done. But a goal.
Finding someone who doesn't fit the current pattern. Ah. Well. That's the kicker, isn't it? And while wanting to be loved (enough) is something I want, it isn't a goal. It is more like icing.
I love my girls and they are my priority. Maybe I should get a dog. (but isn't beastiality frowned on in most states? ) I'm kidding! :) :) People do manage to live without sex, don't they. Not sure I think that is a healthy idea.
I've got to go. k 
