  Someone to go to my stupid movies with so I don't feel awkward sitting by myself in the theater (I have only done that once or twice in my life- as misanthropic as I may be, I just cannot sit in a movie theater by myself).
Someone to do things with that no one else really wants to do, like walk to the top of Half Dome. Someone to go to my favorite steakhouses that don't offer takeout with, so, once again, I do not feel stupid sitting by myself. Someone to fly to a distant and new place with me so I don't have to start up conversations with strangers on an agonizingly long flight.
Someone to sit on the train with me in Europe so that we can sleep in shifts and gypsies won't steal our stuff. Someone to accept chocolates and roses from me on Valentine's Day so that they won't go to waste after I buy them in an effort to feel like part of the crowd. Someone to put sunscreen on my back. Someone to massage my back when I'm so tense that it spasms really hard and makes me feel like I'm growing a second goddamn spine.
Someone to give my friends a reason for why I always put the toilet seat down. Someone to use as an excuse when I just don't feel like hanging out with said friends. Someone to go to a beach on a Hawaiian Island with so I don't feel like the only lone freakin' creature on the planet and I can just enjoy the sunset. (Even the damn fish I see while snorkeling are in pairs. ) Someone to bug me to clean up and be more organized.
Someone to take up the extra space in my house. Someone to help me use up all those stupid two-for-one coupons. Someone to go to my high school reunion with so I don't have to pretend to get along with all the shallow people. Someone whose picture I can put in my wallet so it looks like I have a life. Someone to be with on New Year's Eve.
Someone to listen to me bitch and moan. Someone to bitch and moan to me. Someone to call me up at work to give me reason to procrastinate. Someone to paint a portrait of. Someone to split the bloomin' onion at Outback with because it's way too big to finish by myself but I love that sauce that comes with it. Someone to suck the venom out when I go to the actual Outback and get bitten by a snake. Someone to read ramblings such as this.
Someone to give my mom assurance that I'm not gay. Someone to make everyone stop asking why I'm single. Someone to cook breakfast for. Someone to wake me up when I don't hear any of the three alarm clocks. Someone to sit next to me on a roller coaster. Someone to be around on Friday and Saturday nights when no one else seems to be.
Someone to ride in the car with me between 6 AM to 9 AM and 3 PM to 6 PM on weekdays so I can use the carpool lane. And cross the Bay Bridge without paying toll. Someone to get sloppy drunk with. Yeah, someone to drink an Irish Car Bomb with. Someone to split those 3,000 calorie restaurant desserts with so that I don't get fat nearly as fast. Someone to whisper to me until I fall asleep. Someone to pretend to like me. 
