  FEAR is a human emotion. We are made in the likeness of God. God's physical likeness? His spiritual likeness? His emotions? Yes I have several passages marked in my NIV study bible.
All talk about the Holy Spirit. It is easy to say trust in The Lord. It is easy to say I Trust The Lord. Many people hide their true self. It's easier to hide self than it is to let down your guard to other people. This is human nature.
I never wanted anyone to know my weaknesses. I never wanted anyone to see the real me. The reasons - many. In the words of the culture we live in, I stunk. Spiritually, I didn't want anyone to see or know. PRIDE My spiritual failures showed weakness.
Why did I change, how did I change? It took years for Christ to conform me. If I had other Christians who could have shared their struggles with me it would have made it easier for me to give that up. I'm perfect now, never have any problems. hahahahaha Still a problem in this area. Trust in the Lord with all of your Heart, Lean not on your own understanding.
It is still tough. Now when I ahve problems I have people to talk to. Who do I talk to? Pastor Mark Martin at SMDCOG, Bob Tannehil, a Christian Counselor at Brandywine Community Church, Father Severin at St. Micahels, Chris Williams my prayer partner, Jennifer, my wife, Brink , my son. What did it take to decide I would allow submission? Death.
When my brother died at 37 I had an epiphany. My eyes were opened. I realized that I had outlived my younger brother. We had the same diseases. I was older. Why wasn't I dead too?
Why hadn't I died earlier? I began to see that life was short, we are only here for a time. When I used to give any project a "long run" look, "here's how this turns out in the long run," my Jewish friend corrected me. "In the long run we die. " Is this wisdom of God? Yes.
We have learned that our journey through life is like that of a traveler in a foreign land. My FEAR of death is less than it was and my concern about how people saw me was less also. Do I care? Yes. Now I care enough to be honest. For years I hid my sickness and tried to pretend it didn't exist.
Now I tend to let the walls fall. If I die today will I have done all God wants me to do? No. Am I ready to die? Yes. I like the Gene Rodenberry series Star Trek.
The Klingons are soooo cool. They don't fear death, they only fear one thing, dishonor. We could start a Vacation Bible School program based on the Klingons. They always say before a big battle, "today is a good day to die. " Today is a good day to die for the Lord. Any misgivings if I die today?
Not nearly enough time with Brink, Brook, Asa, and Jennifer. Not enough time with Alexis and Lorraine, Mom/Frank, Dad/Judy. Not enough time with Andrew. Not enough time to reconcile with L. Not enough time for a last conversation with everyone I know, or everyone I want to minister to. My reconciliation project at church. My battles for all things good or for some things just okay.
Not enough time to see projects finished or people reaching their personal goals. Sins and healing. I have been dealing with this big time. When Jesus healed he did ask which was easier, to forgive sin or to say "get up and walk. " His purpose was to leave no doubt he was God on earth, that the Son of Man has authority on earth to forgive sin. God has given me my illness to bring me closer to him.
I can accept this and I can accept the way he has done this. I would have preferred another way but what worked for Saul doesn't work for everyone. You also have to remember that God only deals with people in miraculous ways if they are magnificently awful. Saul. How many Christians did he kill before receiving the Light (Christ Jesus) on the road to Damascus? The miracle stopped a deadly man and made him a warrior for Christ.
If you have a relationship with Christ remember he is more than just a friend. He accepts your problems while working on them. Thomas doubted and Christ didn't exclude him or chastise him. The road to Christ like any road is filled with adventure and obstacles. Most important is making the journey. Be filled with Joy, He loves you and wants only thes best for his chosen people. 
