  8/6/2004 Tuesday 10.53pm I had nothing to add in the morning so I left the entry blank until now. I feel exhausted today, mostly due to my exertions with my mugging at night. I have had only 7 hours of sleep in the past 2 days, and the fact that I have the strength to write this entry and think logically would make this entry a rather miraculous one. Today was another day of talks and presentations. I was bored to tears because the speakers were mostly not trying at all. It felt like they were there because they were obliged to, not because they wanted to.
They mumbled alot and very often they would rattle off into a tiny world of their own, and end it with "do you get what I am saying? " NO. Obviously not. I was fairly surprised that anyone managed to field any questions because most of the discussion was totally incoherent to me. Couple that scenerio with a poor microphone system, a broken down air-con, a blazer and a outrageously thick Seminar file, and you have the ultimate recipe for a sleepy morning and afternoon. It just went by so quickly because I was in Dreamland half the time.
I am picking up more Malay phrases now, and I hope to use them in the future. In the meantime, I am also teaching Chinese to one non-Chinese group member. It felt really good to exchange pointers because it stirred my mental capabilities and gave me a sense of satisfaction. At least I am learning something out of all this. The person I am teaching Sanjna, is one year older than me. I am so proud of her!
She has picked up the language so fast, and it amazes me to be able to converse with her simply in Chinese. Aini! It seems like you need to put more steam into learning! Chinese is really possible, even if you are non-Chinese. It is the prospect of breaking this kind of language and cultural barriers that has made this Seminar a fruitful one. When the food is not good, the sleeping quarters are in a sorry state ( The blinds are damn noisy ), and all the inscessant talks that send sleep straight into my mind, the people who are in this situation with you are truly the only comfort I can get.
The fan keeps blowing the blinds against the walls and it makes so much noise! What can I do... It is so hot! I am having difficulty thinking and sleeping even. Mugging did not go well at all last night. I barely managed a chapter before going to bed.
I hope to do better today. I met Mr Choy who gave me all the essays, and I have found out that Qadir has piped me this round. Congratulations! I will me meeting everyone soon to try and return all the papers. Today I continue to see idiotic behaviour from some of my peers. Fortunately they don't belong to my group.
Thank heavens for that. Penny from HCJC had an attack of stomach ache. She is another RGS girl... but nevermind that. Apparently the stomach ache also triggered a hyperventilation. I heard she has been taken home... I hope and pray that she gets well soon.
( Author's note: The stomach ache mentioned was found out to be a gastric attack because Penny forgot to eat before she went to train. I have heard Penny is fine now, and I would very much like to say take care and don't strain yourself too much next time. Good luck for the meets. ) Life is so precious. Please do take care, if not for your sake, just do it for anyone's and anything's sake. I treasure every friend like my own life and I don't want to have anything happen to them.
I love all of you very much. Tonight was extremely fun, because we laughed so much as we played games after dinner. Thanks to my group for all the exciting, quirky and cheeky moments. They will always be etched in my memory. I smile even now. The VJ presentation went extremely well, and we managed a VJ cheer.
Great job presenters! I felt rather embaressed at one point because I stood up to dance while everyone else just stoned. It was extremely stinky because there were councillors among those sitting down, and we were encouraged by the teachers to do so. What the hell. Lousy attitudes. I guess thats all for tonight.
I look forward to Friday. So tired. 9/6/2004 Wednesday 10.46am Today I woke up late for the activities. I actually managed 2 hours more before anyone came around to wake me. It feels great to have enough sleep. I am all energized and ready to face the world!
Yesterday was another bad mugging experience, because I managed to cover very little. I feel rested today and I hope to do more today. We had games this morning. It was rather irritating to have some people hog all the games. Some people just don't know team spirit and sharing. I just played for like 30 seconds or so beofre I was called off, only to have a "game hogger" take my place.
Was it good fun? No. I hate playing alongside such people. Stop it. 9.09pm The Christian fervour within this seminar has reached new heights with a worship session going on RIGHT NOW. They make one cacophonic bunch.
I would take Ming Hui singing in the bathroom anyday compared to them. I don't mean anything about Christians really, but if they carry it abit too far through such public display, I think it is a little overboard, since some people do need their rest. Today's workshop was rather boring. The arts performance was in the form of belly-dancingm which in my opinion not very fantastic. I really wish for someone to talk now, because all this confinement and silence is killing me. I am being stifled to death in this place where there is nothing to look forward to except study and talks.
The only thing I am sure is that I will be very glad on Friday. Thank heavens for monetary constraints. I literally pray to get home as soon as possible. There are so many constraints, no piano, no computer and worst of all, no person to talk to except through the phone. What is up with everyone? I am sick of taking the back seat.
I finally feel the pain of loneliness and boredom. I feel like crying now, especially when it feels like the world has forgotten me. I feel so tired of all these incessant activity, hypocrisy, and finally all this horrible sense of humours around me. Everyone here is wearing a mask. It seems like everyone tries so hard to integrate, socialise with the group members, but to what end is this? At the end of th day, we will return back to our own worlds and colleges.
The faces here will eventually become a thing of the past. THese artificial faces. I am stuck in this man-made jungle, and the people I know could very well be beasts... maybe not all. My brain is so starved of communication! My mouth is still, and my fingers are restrained for the lack of a piano. I think I want to just sleep my way out of this seminar.
I just want to cry out loud. It rained in the afternoon. I am reminded of the loneliness that exists in my heart. She made such a vacuum that I cannot help but feel shed tears silently as the skies shed theirs. My heart feels so broken, and strong as I may seem, my spirit is still devastated from the blow she dealt to my love. All the giving and sacrifices; she would be cruel.
If truth were to be told, I have yet let go of her. She haunts my every breath, every living moment, every note I play, every poem I write. My crying must go unheard, for this is my fate that I placed myself in. I have other responsibilities, and I must not fall just because of one. Still the pain... The woman in my life will be special.
I promise. It rained this afternoon... like the way... my tears flow. 10/6/2004 Thursday 6.29am Love is not love till it is given away. To live for emotion is extremely painful. Nevertheless, it is the emotional experience that binds. It is love that prevents the world from freezing over.
The truth is, though I may seem cold, calculating, and egoistic at times, all I crave is for a constant passion that love and romance brings. I want to share my world with someone else. My experiences, my thoughts, my everything. I hunger so much that I begin to tire of this hungering. Sometimes I question my belief of giving, especially when I feel people start taking me for granted. The world changes so much, and no one can ever expect when one might just leave the world.
Therefore I make it a point to live life to it's fullest and celebrate it's purpose and sanctity. I try to give as much as I can, because I believe that if something is not given away, the value is not realised. I still wish... If I died tomorrow, would anyone shed a tear for me? Maybe. I hope so.
At least, I hope that I have made a positive difference to your life. Thank you for being in mine, and I appreciate everyone, no matter how small the deed, because I value the friendship that exists. The bond. This friendship will last till my last breath, and I will honour all my friends, from the heart. Take care everyone. 5.24pm I have just returned from Sentosa.
I am packing to ready myself up for leaving tomorrow. Finally. We came in as overall 3rd group! It has been wonderful work on the part of the group. It was fun and sweaty in Sentosa as we went around the island. It was both physically and mentally tiring.
However, it was fulfilling as we co-operated and emerged as one of the top groups. $5 dollar voucher to Popular. $20 dollars to Kinokuniya. I am rich again! I learnt a new skill that will shock everyone. Just wait and see!
I feel so proud of myself. However. I must really get down to some serious study tonight. I need to score really well this round to prove all the critics wrong. I am no pushover because I will pratice what I preach. Tread carefully with your words.
Reuben was nice enough to wish me luck today. I guess with that 1000 SMS, you can do lots of stuff. Thanks Reuben, really appreciate it. See people? I got nice seniors. Author's note: The Pre-U Seminar adventure log shall end here.
The rest is irrelevant. Thanks for supporting me, and best wishes for exams. SMILE! :) 
