  Today I look into myself and view my past. Being the bully victim I was, I did contemplate suicide at one point, even at the tender age of 7. It was dark times, those days where you dread going to school, and no one would believe you. It was also then I learnt to become smarter, faster, stronger... I learnt to project myself as a domineering figure. I shed alot of tears during that time, because it was a time when I really felt lost and hopeless, a time when I felt the world had forsaken me.
I learnt to fight back. I still shudder whenever I look back into those times. It was those days that shaped the present me... the me with the strive for perfection, the immovable conviction, the sharp and critical words. I admit I am not universally popular, but if anyone needs a frank and clear direction, I am you man. How many times has it been, when I start to become critical and direct, especially when a matter is at hand, that other people have shunned me? They think that I see myself as superior, they think I want to put them down and pressure them just for the sake of seeing their tortured looks.
They think I want to be proud and untouchable, to be above all... to savour the moment of triumph over others. They feel that I am arrogant, ignorant of my weaknesses, fallible, egoistic. Sorry, thats the wrong answer. I very well know my limits. I work hard every breathing moment, to improve my body, mind and soul. To gain the credits of arrogance, to be able to achieve over others, do you think it is an overnight job?
Do you think I managed to write so well because I am gifted. I do admit I am multi-talented, thanks to my parents, but did I achieve what I have overnight? Who knows about the tears I have shed, writing, writing non-stop. The ink and graphite all over my hands, the paper strewn all over. The books I devoured voraciously, night after night of continued, persistant reading... once I managed to read a book non-stop for 24 hours without stopping at all. The me of today is a boy who grew up amidst struggles, who grew up on the cane, who grew up against a such emotional odds.
Stop telling me I am arrogant, or proud... I am proud of what I am today. I have all the right to be. Not to mention the incredible foresight I am gifted with. I think it is a blessed talent to be able to think, not just about the present but being able to actually see the evolution into the future. I see pictures, visions, of great things... everything I set out to do, I have a picture in my head.
Unfortunately, people often condemn my visions. In the end... How many times have I seen that look, 'perhaps I should have listened to you, sigh it is too late now, sorry to drag you into this mess. ' Then I look back, and I berate myself for not trying harder to prevent this problem, after all I did envision it, perhaps I was not convincing enough to sway people to believe me. I must suffer always... it is all my fault. Why can't people just listen? Will it kill someone to see perfection as I see it?
Why can't someone just believe in my vision... because I have Seen, and perfection is within our grasp, as long as we work toward it. I know people may feel very skeptical about my ability, but just as I have learnt to see people, I have learnt to see things... and I am rarely wrong, as some can attest. It hurts to be accused, it hurts even more when the person you would defend unto death says that she has the same belief. Finally I see what everyone has been saying behind my back, that I am an arrogant bastard. Finally I manage to see the true colours... of people whom I thought I could share a part of me. Thanks for taking me for granted.
Thanks for standing on a side that I never believe possible, because I thought you really understood me. I am looking for reassurance of my purpose. Has anyone given that to me? No. Don't blame me for my attitude... it is who I am, and it is my comfort in this world, where I have lost hope in people close to me. I have been hurt, too many times, by people who I thought I could sacrifice my entire being for.
It hurts so bad. I am tearing now, but who understands the heart that has been sliced open? Does my sadness make you happy? The arrogant bastard you all thought of has real emotions underneath all that hype. When I thought I could ease the bleeding from my past, now comes another cut that incises into my very soul... Guess I really don't mean anything to anyone.
Guess I was a fool to actually think someone could understand me for what I am, not what I appear to be, to always believe in what my inner self, after all they have seen it. Guess I trusted the wrong person once again. Again and again, cut by the person I would value most. I try to be myself in front of my closest buddies, and at the turn of the moment they would believe malicious words said of me. They would tell me that I was of poor character. I cannot believe... that someone close to me would think the worse of me, even with a majority view that I am such... Superficial... and I thought love would transcend such superficiality.
I have yet seen someone with enough capacity to do so... to actually break past my outer case, to see me for what I am, the child in the corner, crying, wanting the care, love and attention that he has been deprived of. If one still sees only the boy with the big ego, and would judge me based on it... I cannot believe this would happen. I have been made the fool once again... It is once again all my fault. I will heal, but that broken unspoken trust, it will take me a long time before I can start giving again.
Never mind. There will always be better people to give my love and trust to. After all I don't believe that no one will be able to see past my appearance, to see my soul... To ET and Fruz: I don't think that you would think of me as arrogant right? I do have a side that just wants to warm and nice. Please. See past that arrogance... it will be terribly disappointing if you see me in much the same light too.
Especially Fruz. Pardon my indulgence in showing off. Self-praise, is usually the only kind of praise I ever get. Thanks for trying to cheer me up with your comments, it really shows how much both of you actually care for me. Alot. I cherish your effort...
Thanks for bothering about me. =) A rhyme dedicated to ET and Fruz: Thanks for always being there, Thanks for giving me a ear to spare, Thanks for showing that you care, Thanks for being the roses in the air. This is short and sweet, and it is no where deep, but no words can ever mean, the concern I have seen, from the words you placed on my screen. ~specialis aeternus~ 
