  damn.  & nbsp;  i am SO fucking done.  & nbsp;
 & nbsp;  suicidal tendencies:  disconnect and self-  distruct one bullet at a time.  &
nbsp;  i mean yEAH man,  thats how i fucking feel.  shit,  now it feels like this weekend was pure shit,  like i fucking did something wrong.
 & nbsp;  I dont try?  Fuck man,  what else CAn I do?  &
nbsp;  aight so this weekend,  Amit's party,  cant say no cousin takes& nbsp; me out befo he goes back to SD,
 aight. my choice saturday,  i find someone to stay with while my parents go out and party,  so i end up calling 5 different ppl and end up staying at my cousins sunday,  gurduwara in the morning. depika's birthday langar,
 wasnt my choice,  and later,  had to take my sister back to ucla,  i cant stay home.  & nbsp;
 so i went out this weekend,  it doesnt mean i dont fuckin try fo you,  every chance i get that my mom is in a good mood i ask her if i can go out with friends. and her response " beta,  my answer is always your answer,
 because i know that you are doing what you have to do,  the only thing is your dad has to know" now if my dad is upset about something or he doesnt like me having a social life,  then what can i do about it?  what can i do other than what i did the other day over and over?  i feel hopeless half the time.
i feel like you think that i dont want to see you,  i feel like you think its only one way,  but lemme tell you. i fucking try,  i do,  and i wanna see you,
 and i wanna party with you and i fucking wanna spend time with you.  fuck i mean i wwanna spend the rest of my life with you.  so me not trying?  & nbsp;  thats like saying,
 this isnt even a fucking relationship and that fuckin hurts,  shit. i feel weird as fuck inside too sometimes & nbsp;  no matter how much i try to explain to you how it is in my house,  i cant show you because you dont live here,
 and thank god you dont.  i dont expect you to feel bad,  but sometimes i just cant do things that i want to,  as a matter a fact its like that most of the time,  unless its something having to do with family.  i have gone out with a total of 2 ppl this summer other than family.
 other friends want to kick it together too and i wanna kick it with them,  but my first thing was always aight. gotta find a way to chill with mandeep first cuz i know im not gonna get that many chances later on.  so dont think i dont fucking try i may not tell you everytime i do but i do and i need you to trust that if you cant,  then i dont know what else i can do & nbsp;
 & nbsp;  & nbsp;  i feel like total shit,  like i havent done anything in this relationship,
 like i havent fucking Tried. shit.  & nbsp;  & nbsp;
 I dont know how its going to be once we hit teh regular school year.  & nbsp;  & nbsp;  &
nbsp;  & nbsp;  & nbsp;  &
nbsp;  out now jus like my lack of trying & nbsp;  & nbsp;  &
nbsp;  & nbsp;  & nbsp;  &
nbsp;  & nbsp;  & nbsp;  &
nbsp;
