  AOL has lost my file cabnet. Which had several days journal in it so now I am going to write here. Which will be for all to see but I do not care. So I am going to start out by stating AC is the man who I want to spend my life with. I am going to diary to him here like I was on AOL before they lost all my stuff. So this at least for a time being will be dedicated to my "diary" to AC.
You see AC holds a huge part of my heart and one day I hope to make a life with him. One of those that you read about in novels but dont dare dream to come true. Now we wait only for him to come home from over seas. So I write daily to him, because I feel this way he will be able to keep up on things. So here goes. The dreams kept flooding again last night even in the wake of horror of losing Ricky.
I still feel it has to be a dream. But this morning I woke up to the stark reality of it being truth. I had wrote an e mail to myself last night just so this morning I could realize it was not a night mare that my beloved little one was gone and I would never see him again even though I knew 10 years ago I wouldnt. It still is hard to think of him being gone. I still feel like I'm in a fog. His poor mother must be hurting so. I know what it is like to lose a child though her loss is so final where as mine is still a mystery. My beloved baby has been gone sense 1997 and the loss of my sister's child has made my heart ach for my youngest even more. Will I ever hold him in my arms again ? Will I ever be able to know he is safe. As long as I know he is safe I think I could live without though it would hurt me. I think the not knowing is what hurts the most. The boys are taking the loss of Ricky hard, T is attempting to be strong though feeling guilty for not remembering him while J is being emotional and staying to himself.
I assure T that his not remembering is normal due to the abuse he suffered that shutting out past is part of the protective state that some go through but he still feels as if he has some how betrayed himself and Ricky. I long to have you near me AC because I want and need to feel like life will go on and that things will be ok.
Right now that isnt happening. I know that what you are doing is important and you have not even heard the news yet. I know in my heart that when you do you will come and hold me and make my world all better. I admit for a breif moment in time (part of the day and part of last night) I had a fear this was all a joke to you that it was a cruel game but then I realized I had to have faith, like you have faith in me.
I re read some of the stuff you sent me and I felt comfort. I can not seem to touch you like I use to but then I know I have shut down myself emotionally. My kitchen on the other hand has felt the labors of my hearts pain. I scrubbed the floors on my knees today and cleaned cubboards and everything though I know I could have done more (such as move the stove) I didnt dare.
Tomorrow if the pain has not gone away I will do the livingroom. I threaten to rearrnage it just to make it appear different. I need change so much right now. I am standing in a pool of stagnte water and I feel as if I am drowning. It will get better. Right now I am preoccupied with worry for your safe return home my heart.. and now preoccupied with thoughts and memories of my Ricky. Well AC I hope you approve of the "diary" I dont care who reads it. I love you and long for you to hurry home. 
