  Lol ok so I like the title. It's a combination of a couple of things. Last night I was childless.. almost.. Until Alexis down the road figured it out and wanted to spend the night. Which was fine. I just had looked forward to a childless night but it was a comfort for someone to be with me. I dont know what i will do if I'm alone when the kids grow up.
I found I had panic attacks last night until Alexis came down which scares me. Being alone ws something I actually use to look forward to. Maybe it's the fear of where I live. I dont know. I just know that after she came over I felt more safe and was able to relax. Though I do miss running around the house nude.
Lol. I've thought about life and what I want. I cant have anymore babies but I wish I could. AC talked about babies in one of his e mails to me and I blew up not having faith in him or us. I blew up thinking that I would not be good enough but then it hit me there are so many options out there in this world. And now I find myself looking at baby stuff thinking of adoption.
Would he want to ? I dont know it is something we will have to talk about when we get together. I woke up this morning hearing the phone ring but it wasnt. I kept thinking today he will come through that door but I think he wont. I just have more of a jittery feeling today. I know it wont happen but I can wish.
I dont know why I know it wont it's just a gut feeling but something inside of me is jello. I want to sleep more. I'm tired and I am thinking of going back to bed soon. I will write more later today when I am more able. Right now I'm rather sad watching Travis and Alexis. Young love even though I dont approve of the age thing I cant help but see the way the light up for each other.
Travis is attempting to get his life back together. I'm giving him a couple of "tests" to see if he is for real or not. Time will tell.. *Later* Well I dont think Travis is going to pass any type of test of mine. He's already making excuses. I've had it as far as he is concerned his temper tantrums has me on edge and I am sick of his pissy moods. He was pissed off because Tony was in my room talking to me and ALexis was in the room with us, pissed off enough to storm out and slam doors and be a baby.
I keep waiting for AC but no luck as of yet. I hope and pray he is safe. I realize that the "talking" process could be delaid a bit due to what he will ahve to go through but I still worry. He is still strong in my heart and .. well I just cant write about it. Joey is home now with me. Tony is back and in a better mood.
Dave will be staying here for a few weeks until he can get the money together to get his own place. He is having me hold his money so that he knows he wont spend it. I dont mind him at least he is respectful and doesnt allow his temper to get the best of him but damn I'm starting to feel like my place is a flop house and I dont like it. I know that by July it will be back to being mine thankfully. I just hope and pray that AC is around by then. I found a new drink.
It's a minute maid type drink called Strawberry Passion. Damn it was so good. :) I cant wait to get another but not something I am going to get alot of due ot price. I hate being so damn poor. I had a dream that AC came to me and we talked and that his life was changing in ways that he couldnt explain and he ended up being close by here. His normal life that he led was suddenly different.
It was nice to think of us as a couple. I smile privately at the thought each time. The thought of us together makes me so happy. Not even the thougt of Dave catches my attention anymore and he is the eyecandy of the year. I'm so glad that he and I chose to be nothing more then just friends. I know that we will never do anything.
Well I should go. I'm being IMed to death Lol.. AC wherever you are look towards the sky and know I am looking there as well. My heart and soul.. 
