Some strange and bizarre Saturday night questions and life observations. Love I still wonder if I believe in love. Is there some light force that draws humans together for life? There is caring and companionship, but is there this undying intense, fated feeling that lasts a lifetime? I want to believe, but I question. Maybe its because my parents divorced, maybe its because I am divorced. Relationships seem to come and go, people walk into our lives one day, and then are gone the next. The memories live forever, but the relationship ends and eventually is replaced. Does destiny and fate play a part in things? I have met people before who I feel like I have known for a lifetime. I have also looked into the eyes of a future boyfriend and had that special spark, that snap, that moment in time where you know. I think we were meant to be together, but it was obviously not meant for life. Love dies..... or does it? Friendship Can human nature be trustworthy enough to really care for someone? How do we not get so wrapped up in ourselves to really be there for anyone else? I have a hard time trusting anyone. It seems like when you trust someone
they always hurt you. I love people, and care so much I would do the world. This worries me since I question my co-dependency and caring. Moving around a lot, I have made many friends. My memories with them now exist in photographs and scattered stories. Its always been easier for me to move on. I rarely keep in touch, I just move away on good terms. I still care about the people whose lives did a momentary planetary collide with mine. I just don’t keep in touch, and then
with guilt and shame, I lock them away in my heart. I do have friends from elementary school and high school. These women serve somewhat as my dysfunctional family since my real family was never there. I’m connected to these souls in a strange and eternal way. But the others I care for and come across, though I feel intensely, I leave them eventually. Maybe I’m just a horrible person, maybe I have a problem with trust. Sex Why is it so easy to separate sex and love? Its funny that I feel as if I don’t need love, but then I do need sex. Sex is animal like and primal. It could be an abuse issue, perhaps I’m able to leave my body during sex and detach. This may be what makes me so wild. This also may be a survival mechanism stemming from past abuse. Dive Bars Why
does Jimmy Buffet, Steve Miller and Blue Oyster Cult serve as staple songs for every jukebox? No matter what dive bar I go to, the same songs always play. This is a constant that defies any geographic. Sometimes you will hear Sublime, Black Sabbath, Bruce, Pat, Charlie Daniels Band or Steppenwolf. But its always the same friggin songs! What is
up with that? ADD Discovering you have ADD as an adult is difficult. You knew there was something different about you growing up. Disorganized, sloppy handwriting, always in a rush, your mind races so fast. You can never sit still or hold attention for long. You talk really, really fast and say things without thinking. You’re impulsive as hell. A psychologist told me there are drugs to treat this. My mother and sisters say that they would have put me on drugs as a kid, if that was the fashion in the 70s. Thank god it wasn’t. Let me pick the drugs I want to take please, thank you. Dyslexia All the geniuses of the world have been dyslexic. From Einstein to Da Vinci. Its embarrassing when you cant spell simple words like shark and you mispronounce things over and over with constant correction. Your mind just does not see things the same way. You mix things up and read things differently. Why I didn’t get diagnosed as a kid defies belief. Why didnt they notice? Having an older sister with a diagnosis in same school system, and all the classic signs. Maybe because my mother protested the school system so severely with my older sister’s diagnosis, they didn’t want
to tackle that again. I wish I would have known then, it would have explained a lot of things. The only B I have ever received at Berkeley was due to grammatical errors. The TA told me your content is amazing, but your grammatical errors can not be overlooked. I edited those pieces over and over, till I cried sometimes. I just could not see the errors, my mind does not work that way. I wish I would have been diagnosed then, and had been able to have the protection
of the Disabled Students Center. But then, would I have still graduated UC Berkeley class of 1996 with highest distinction if I had such a public excuse? Depression Living is darkness has been the way of my life. I have always been depressed, there has never been a year of my life without it. It comes and goes yes, but it is almost as predictable as clockwork. Sometimes I will be feeling great and all of a sudden I have this premonition of an oncoming depression. I don’t want to happen, I just KNOW its coming. It always does. Especially seasonally, holidays and birthdays. I hope to overcome my battle with depression. Then I wonder if it is genetic. This considering the high number of suicides on both sides of my family. On Being PunkRock/Goth I always say I will give up being punk rock when I have money. Well I’m still waiting for the money, and now being punk is getting old. I’m getting old, and I don’t want to be a burned out punker when I’m in my 40’s. I don’t like labels, I never have. When I say punk rock its more an attitude then label. Its about being pissed off at the government, at capitalist bullshit,
and at the popular culture media. Its about being broke and struggle, its about wanting an alternative world. When people see me, they always call me “Goth”. I guess that is more of the look I have. Even dressed up in a business power suit, or all dolled up for some 80’s style wedding dress, this look does not escape me. No matter how hard I try to look “straight”. I guess that is why I tattooed my hand. I have Darth Vader’s tie fighter on the top of my hand between my thumb and my pointer finger. In the same spot gang members tattoo their gangs signs. Fuck it, let people judge me for my tie fighter, let them question whether I am in some gang, some ex prostitute, or jailbird. Society should not judge for how someone looks. You should always look beneath the onion peel. just a
reflection just a glimpse just a little reminder of all the what abouts and all the might have could have beens another day some other way but not another reason to continue and now you're one of us the wretched the hopes and prays the better days the far aways forget it it didn't turn out the way you wanted it to it didn't turn out the way you wanted it to, did it it didn't turn out the way you wanted it to it didn't turn out the way you wanted it to, did it now you know this is what it feels like now you know this is what it feels like the clouds will part and the sky cracks open and god himself will reach his fucking arm through just to push you down just to hold you down stuck in this hole with the shit and the piss and it's hard to believe it could come down to thisback at the beginning sinking spinning and in the end we still pretend the time we spend not
knowing when you're finally free and you could be but it didn't turn out the way you wanted it to it didn't turn out quite the way that you wanted it now you know this is what it feels like now you know this is what it feels like you can try to stop it but it keeps on coming
you can try to stop it but I don't want you and I don't need you don't bother to resist I'll beat you It's not your fault that you're always wrong the weak ones are there to justify the strong the beautiful people the beautiful people it's all relative to the size of your steeple you can't see the forest for the trees you can't smell your own shit on your knees Hey you what do you see? something beautiful something free? hey you, are you trying to be mean? if you live with apes man, it's hard to be clean there's no time to discriminate, hate every motherfucker that's in your way the worms will live in every host it's hard to pick which one they eat most the horrible people, the horrible people it's as anatomic as the size of your steeple capitalism has made it this way, old-fashioned fascism will take it away And that’s all she wrote. -well that last part wasnt me, that was lyrics from NIN and MM. urlLink Blogarama Visit my Guestbook urlLink

