  Well folks, it's the friday morning before a nice long weekend. i have a feeling this day will last forever!
the good news is, my supervisor had mercy on me as far as scheduling and put me in my own slow clinic this morning, which is especially important because i still have to finish evaluating 11 more resumes for the music ministry position before 6:30 pm tonight...should be interesting. normally, i love the 4th of July. normally, it is my favorite holiday. this year, for some reason, i just know it's going to be horrible. these past few days i have had a burning stomachache indicative of something terrible to come at any moment.
i don't know what terrible thing could possibly happen, because certainly nothing wonderful has happened recently to be ruined...but i just have a feeling of impending doom. usually, these things come for a reason. and the thing is, i know somehow intuitively, even if i never find out this side of heaven what i'm feeling sick about...i'll probably find out someday. so i guess all i can do is pray in a very nonspecific manner. lately, i've been looking at my life and thinking about how it seems like nothing ever changes.
i always think i'm growing towards something every time something painful happens. but lately, reading some of my writing from years ago...i've been thinking that it's all on loop cycle and nothing will ever change. i feel tired and resigned, and i just keep moving, because there's nothing really better to do. i know there must be something happening that's bigger than me, but i'm too small to see it, and i'm tired of dancing.
sometimes, i read about david dancing...how he was so secure in God's love, so trusting and full of life that he had no choice but to express himself in such an unrestrained manner. i see him dancing like that, and i think "doesn't he know? doesn't he know it hurts to dance? " And sometimes I think about how people use God to do whatever they want, even if it's things that hurt you...and I've been thinking...you know...i've had a lot of hurts. I've been hit, kicked, choked, and violated...i've been called names, told i was worthless, told i was stupid...but sometimes i think it's spiritual abuse that is the most painful of them all. because it hits directly the deepest heart of you. i think about how precious God thinks my heart is, and i wonder how he could expect me to ever expose it to the harsh elements of this world that never change.
but the funny thing is...i'm so idealistic that i always hold out hope...God made His people beautiful...He made the world beautiful...shouldn't that mean it doesn't hurt so much to love? 
