  I took the day off today as "mental health" day devoted entirely to finding my heart inside of God again. lately my heart has been crumbling around me....a feeling i've managed to stave off for at least a year by simply denying feeling at all.
this is a mystery to me. for what relationship can thrive on carefully locked desire? yet...so often i think we Christians miss the mark here...so busy trying to say "your will not mine..." that we forget to "cast our cares upon Him. " the way i do this is simply pretending i have no cares. it's funny how we can deceive ourselves in such a cunning fashion.
i'd almost be impressed with my own guile if it wasn't for the reciprocating gullibility. come to find out, for all the sins i have loaded on His back and given for forgiveness...for all the rebelliousness i've renounced and freely handed over...even with the freedom nipping at my heels....i've forgotten what is equally important: the excrutiatingly painful losses i've experienced...some as a result of my own action...and some while i crouched and covered my face..unsure as to the fury and why exactly i was the target of such wrath. and all along these hurts have kept everything at an arm's length...polite and proper but never intimate...and even now i find myself afraid.
won't He hurt me? won't He turn suddenly on me? i know the look- the anger and disgust that feeds off of the fear in my eyes. these are things i have learned, and i don't know how to un-learn them. begging Him not to go, then cringing when he touches me. i hate this fear inside of me that keeps me from being whole. all of these things i let inside that weren't Him....they mangled me into complete submission to my fear. i wanted to show him my heart, so i sat down at the piano, because it was the best i knew how. when i finished, i found myself wondering: was it something He could love?
the dissonance so striking, and the sometimes painful intonation moving me inside. did it move Him? is He stirred by my harmonies? and when my fingers dance so lightly, does He strain? does He lean forward in anticipation of a heart's swell? does He hunger for my beauty, my music....my heart? i need to know. He moves me. 
