  i think i've figured out why i was so upset yesterday (and most of today) about breaking up with manstick. i was so upset because for women, the breakdown of any relationship represents failure. we are conditioned from the day we're born, as women, to nurture people and build relationships. to play nice. to be popular. to help people.
to make sure things run smoothly for everyone but ourselves. so anytime there is evidence of a lack of nurturance, that means that, as a woman, you have failed. this is true of every relationship, from your hairdresser to your lover (whether that person is male or female; this also accounts for the notorious "lesbian drama"). a huge aspect of this pressure to nurture is manifested in romantic relationships. a breakup, no matter how sensible and mutually desired, means, we are conditioned to believe, that we have failed to nurture love, failed to make our partner happy enough. that we did something wrong, or were somehow lacking.
even when we know that isn't true. in my head, i know that i was the one who wanted to break up in the first place. that our relationship wasn't going anywhere. that manstick and i are in very different places in our lives, and because of that we're really not compatible in a long term way. i know this. it makes perfect sense.
but, in my heart, i failed. i messed up. i tried too hard. i wanted too much. i fell in love too fast. i said the wrong things at the wrong times and have too much of an undergrad sensibility about me to mix well with his friends.
and fuck, what 30 year old adult wants a moony puppydog 23 year old following him around? these are not things he ever said to me. what he said to me, over and over, was that i was a wonderful person who deserved amazing things, things he couldn't give me because, for reasons he can't explain, he just couldn't . and back to my head, i know he's telling the truth. i did nothing wrong. it just didn't work because, well, sometimes even the best things don't.
but my heart won't hear it. because what i call "my heart" is that part of me that has completely bought into patriarchy's nurturing mission for women. the "breakup = failure" part of me really wants to drive home the point, too. it's amazing how i can bring all normal functioning to a halt by thinking the thought "no one has ever been in love with me. no one ever will be. " as if this is A) true, or B) relevant to anything.
i don't even believe in love, in my rational mind. romantic love is a patriarchal lie cooked up a few hundred years ago to save the institution of the family after the seams started busting on the economic framework. romantic love is the strongest bar on women's collective cage. also, how can i control who is in love with me? if people don't recognize my awesomeness, or can't give me my rightful due as an amazing person, how is that even my fault? isn't it just their loss?
why do i feel that i am directly responsible for other people's lack of appreciation? 
