  I lied when I said that I was going to write about my take on the obese population for my next rant. Maybe next week. This week’s gripe: movie theaters. Now, don’t get me wrong, I like going to the movies. I like the arcades in the lobbies; I love the kick-ass surround sound in the auditoriums. And I especially enjoy the aspect of eating unhealthy food for two hours while staring blankly at an enormous screen.
I suppose it’s just the people and related idiocies that persistently piss me off. To find out if a mere two hours of potential entertainment is worth the inevitable torture associated with it, I compiled a list of the pros and cons that you’ll mostly likely encounter from the time you leave your house until the time the ending credits roll. I know you’re eager to find out if you’ve been wasting all of your time and money over the years. Con #1: The drive. First of all, there isn’t a movie theater in Whitehall anymore, so if you’re from the area and want to see a movie, you have to drive all the way to Allentown, past the airport. I don’t drive, but I see where this poses a problem for the driver, especially since gas prices have escalated severely over the past few weeks. What even makes this trip all the merrier is the fact that the people in Allentown cruise down the road as if gangs of illegal immigrants are gunning them down with gusto.
Or at least this is what I’m told. Furthermore, since, like I stated above, movie theaters are scarce in this part of the state, your specific theater is always packed to full capacity, which makes your chances of finding a decent parking space slim to none. Hell, finding any parking space takes around ten minutes, and if you’re already late because of the jackasses on the road, you have the pleasure of resorting to walking—an arduous task because of your excessive laziness.
Con #2: Waiting in line for tickets that are usually sold out. Finally, when you arrive at the theater you somehow manage to find a parking space within a mile away from the front doors. You may have injured a few pedestrians during the process of parking, but you have more important things to do than call for an ambulance right now; a few ruptured skulls can wait. You have to buy a ticket before they’re all sold out, and you’ve already come this far to turn back now. Especially in this certain crowded theater, the line to purchase a ticket is pretty lengthy, to put it bluntly. I might add that your odds of getting a ticket, assuming that you arrived late due to the aforementioned time-consuming experiences, are poor. What you need (besides the presence of intelligent life) is a plan. Luckily, you’re quite the cunning one, and you distract the gullible fools in front of you by exclaiming that you work for the government and just got official word that an Iraqi terrorist group is concocting a sinister plan to obliterate the entire state of Pennsylvania.
Panic ensues while you slip to the front of the line and snag a remaining ticket. Undecided pro or con: The snack line. You get out of one line just to enter another—the snack line. Now, you usually don’t mind waiting in this line as much because you know you’ll get to stuff your face in a mere few minutes. Usually. But today, because you’re so lucky, you end up selecting the line with a couple of obese gluttons in front of you.
One of these gluttons orders a large popcorn with extra butter, two soft pretzels with cheese, a box of gummy worms, a bag of M&M’s, a box of chocolate-covered peanuts, a package of Twizzlers, and a diet coke. But that’s not all; this fat fuck’s equally overweight girlfriend would also like to consume a hot dog, a large soda, and an order of nachos with extra cheese. The ravenous bastards. Struggling to remember the disturbingly large order, the scrawny cashier rushes over to the back counter obtain the food while trying not to screw it up like he usually does. After a few trips back and forth between counters, the pig ahead of you carefully looks over the food placed in front of him and nods his jiggling head in approval. Finally your turn is almost up. Or so you think. The cashier rings up the couple’s order when the fat bastard nervously stops flipping his pudgy fingers through his small stack of bills. Since Porky’s total comes to well over 40 dollars, this fat-ass doesn’t have enough money to pay the once patient cashier, who now looks on at his customers with disdain.
The piggish couple just stands there blankly, unsure of what to do, when the cashier maintains a semblance of calm and politely recommends that they put something back, in order to compensate for the bill. Fatty shoots a nasty look at the cashier, swears to himself, and stares over his food while simultaneously breaking into a sweat and stressing over what to trade in.
Seeing that the popcorn, hot dog, and nachos have already been served with extra condiments just the way they prefer, Fat-ass reluctantly decides to surrender over a few of his boxes of candy. Finally, after paying for his meal, the pig doleful trudges away from the line with his pudgy girlfriend waddling not far behind, both tightly holder their mountain of food (sans candy) for dear life. Luckily those idiots in front of you rendered enough time for you to ponder over what you want to order.
Because of this, you receive your food quickly. The balance of stupid people and delicious food makes waiting in the snack line a neutral movie-going experience, that is, neither a pro nor a con. Con #3: Finding a seat in the theater. With food in hand, you head over to the guy in the wheelchair who rips tickets for a living even though he’s most likely on disability and doesn’t need a job because we’re paying for his dysfunctional ass to sit around all day and eat burgers from McDonald’s while watching re-runs of Friends. However, you always approach this ugly man with a winning fake smile just to give him the false assumption that he’s an important member of society. He smiles a toothless grin back at you, and directs you towards your desired theater as if you’re blind and can’t read the obnoxious flashing signs hanging over your head. You realize that you hate crippled people, and walk away feeling like the jackass that you are. Oh well. Because of the selfish cripple’s precise directions, you find your way to the door of your specific theater, and are greeted by the balding, perverted janitor who is holding it open for everyone while he subtly gazes at the slut’s half bare ass in front of you.
You pass him as quickly as possible and, as you enter the theater, are bombarded by a sea of people laughing and giggling and playing grab-ass with one another. You don’t need a genius to tell you that the place reeks of idiocy, but you remind yourself that you paid $7.25 to see a movie, and damn it, see a movie is what you’re going to do, no matter how painful the experience may be. You look around and consider your options of who to sit by. There aren’t many seats available now because of the constant delays that your inconsiderate species have caused thus far.
Gazing into the audience, you see an open seat in the very front of the theater by a large man who probably reeks of body odor. Upon realizing that you are not yet that desperate for a seat, you spot another vacant chair; this one is in the middle of the 7th row next to a weary, middle-aged mother and her two demon spawn, both of which are whining for more popcorn and incessantly asking for the time.
Deciding that you’d rather choke on your popcorn before parking your ass next to those little shits, you make one last attempt to find a somewhat decent seat. For the first time today, you’re in luck; you see another vacant seat. This one is located in the back row right next to two uncivilized college kids who are too busy making out and feeling each other up to realize that people are becoming appalled and rushing away from them.
More room for you. You decide that sitting by these two people are your best option because they will most likely be too preoccupied with each other to say anything during the movie, and you deserve the silence after the unfortunate events you have already gone through today. Con #4 and Pro #1: The movie. The lights dim. People dutifully replace murmuring with shoving handfuls of food into their gaping mouths. Following dancing refreshments and a pitch for donations to a local charity, the movie kicks off with a sign that reads: Please Turn off all Cell Phones and Pagers. Ironically, just as the opening credits start to roll, a cell phone rings, and the owner of said cell phone interrupts the start of the movie by shouting at his now ex-girlfriend on the other end of the line because she was apparently cheating on him with his brother while he was away taking a vacation in Hawaii, which his boss undoubtedly paid for since Mr. I-Have-a-Cell-Phone has been kissing ass for a good ten years.
People moan in disgust, including you, while this jackass rightfully insults his former whore of the week over the phone. You realize that all you can do is wait for the usher who is idly standing in a corner to kindly escort the cell phone motherfucker outside. He does so, and the theater is at peace once again. Now comes what you’ve been waiting for. Depending on which movie you carefully selected to go see, it can obviously be good, bad, or somewhat decent.
Today, because, once again, you’re just oh-so lucky, the movie you spent your hard-earned cash on is as awful as the sight of a newborn child. Sure, it’s only thirteen minutes into the thing, but just the sight of that Jennifer Aniston bitch and all of those other spoiled, overpaid fucks is enough to compel you to run out of the theater via the fire exit and hurl yourself into speeding traffic. So what’s a bored person in a movie theater to do? Answer: Throw shit at people. (This is pro #1. ) Remember those two bratty children? SWISH. Gum in their hair. Spot some ghetto fool right in front of you? THUD. It’s raining cheese-covered pretzel bits on his black ass. Ha, not so tough now are you, gangster bitch?
Hey, sitting here and not watching the movie isn’t so bad after all. In fact, it’s pretty damn amusing. So do you think the bad outweighs the good? I don’t know, you decide for yourself. Personally, I think the cost of seeing a movie is utterly ridiculous when you can rent that same movie for almost half the price. Plus, you would be in the comfort and privacy of your own home; there aren’t nearly as many stupid people there. In contrast, perhaps the joys of tormenting people and making fun of them endlessly are worth it. Nah, you can do that at the mall for free. Never mind, movies blow. Don’t waste your money. 
