  i finally got to seeing the movie the day after tomorrow and i thought it was pretty good. it did get way too much hype that it should've and the core had barely any publicity but was much better in plot and had just as awesome graphics. yet that may also have been a factor why i thought it was so spectacular. i didn't expect much. gyllenhaal was very witty in this movie and i loved how much with such a disastrous (weather- wise) film, they managed to insert so much great dry humor into it. all of it seemed to hard hit and real and in many ways, a little too possible to believe. yet i guess with the fast pace of the storm and how rapidly it was moving, it all could've been a possibility and the ending wasn't as far fetched as it seemed. and i guess the mini series of events that occurred between was very realistic and all could happen in a worse case scenario that either left me warm and heartfelt or paranoid at how i'd react in the situation because i could feel that it was real enough to be that affected and put how i would go through the motions and saw that they probably felt the same way too.
just not sure about the actions. i don't think i'd ever have the talent to think that fast and be that panicked and selfish for my own needs to care and concern for someone else. yet one thing i really appreciated about this movie was surprisingly not all the action and all the effects and the harsh realities of what we do every day can lead to an ice age and alter the whole future of life on earth, it was trust. there were many instances in this movie in which i admired the mindsets and thinking of these people... and a lot had to do with trust and hope... two main aspects i deeply lack in. i don't think i would ever trust an ambulance in that kind of weather or situation to show up to take a sickly child back home safely enough to wait at a hospital for days on end. i really would've just gone with the rest of them, unfortunately. and i'm not sure about the child. yet i don't know... maybe at that time and moment i'll find that i won't have the heart to. i don't think i'd trust my father that much and with panic be able to listen and hear the words coming out of his mouth to listen to him and wait inside with six other hopeful independant others when the mass majority was persuaded and convinced that they can walk themselves down south.
i never knew destruction of ice cold air that could kill you in second. i would never believe it. i guess i'm one that just can't believe if i can't see it. i don't think i'd trust him enough to safety and burn books and keep warm in a library surrounded by 10-20 ft deep snow and believe i was going to survive with nothing else but with the people around me and piles of clothes.
i would never care so much for someone at that time to risk my own life just to get penicillin for a sick person. i don't think i could trust myself to believe that he would even come at all. i remember this one time we had the annual music in the air performance going on in our school and again i was in it and i loved how our school had this every year.
i guess it played a huge factor in allowing basically anyone involve in each class or as a school as a whole bond. it made me feel important and special that i could participate in something like this. like i was included and without me, my class performance wouldn't have been the same.
i hope others felt the same. but anyway... after the whole mass of the productions were over and the orchestra had done their mini piece and the 'glee club' as we called it went and mr p's and weiners end finale was over we all had to do down to the lobby to wait for our parents to pick us all up, or meet them in the audience if they came. so i was waiting in the lobby and didn't see my mom. and for five whole minutes i just kept searching and it amazed me how slow the time was passing and how everyone was leaving and i still couldn't find her. and maybe my paranoia was just to the fact i was used to my mom always being on time that when for once she was late i couldn't bare. so left and walked over to stephen's house two blocks down thinking she parked over there or was at his house. but instead his dad opened the door and was a little surprised too me and how afraid i looked so he gave me the phone and i called home. my dad picked up and he was getting scared to the motive why i called when i asked him where mom was.
and i thin that was the first time he ever left the house leaving my brothers home alone that late at night and drove to the ching's to pick me up, drive two blocks down only to find daisy, my mom's friend on the steps of our school looking around for me and jumped up at her sight of me. we all ran in to see my mom sitting at a payphone with the most worried look on her face and debbie and jenn ricardi's mom were on the steps just to say they couldn't find me. i'm guessing they looked all over the school. and i myself didn't know what to think. i was just scared i was gonna get a beating or a good yelling that night.
and so we drove home in two different cars and everythign was silent. when we got home i saw they had made tea for me, like they do every night i came back from music in the air. and i drank in, brushed and went to bed. or at least i tried to that night, but i couldn't. just stared at the ceiling breathing in as mush or that cool brisk fresh air of the night listening to my mom cry and explain how distraught and worried she was of my safety, how i couldn't trust her enough to listen and stay in one spot to just wait to see if she'd come... and my dad saying nothing.
i felt pretty guilty that i didn't wait and that i made my mom cry, but i guess at 8 years old it didn't go deeper than that. and then the next day my mom's face was a bit pale and she didn't look so awake... even while she was brewing coffee. the smell usually kicks, but i guess it didn't for her this time. and then she calmly told me that next time she told me she was going to pick me up and drive me home and to wait somewhere, that she was going to be there. she will always be there and if not she'll tell someone else to in some odd emergency and that they will repeat my name for me and say who they are and who sent them and that i would go with them and safely go home. she would never walk out and never come without telling me. she made that point pretty clear.
and i kind of learned from that mistake. and whenever after that i used to feel panicked or worried that she didn't show after 5- 10 minutes, i start to feel guilty and annoyed at myself for it, and i blame the traffic, or my brother for causing some trouble again. and now i know the treasure of feeling you're trusted. and when i come to think... the last year has been so miserable for me because i couldn't be that person.
i couldn't trust my motives, i didn't know if the things i were doing were right or what i want and it ended up being nether. i couldn't trust anyone else and thought was higher than they're authority and didn't listen to them. and they lost trust to the fact they didnt' even say anything anymore because they knew i wouldn't do it. and i knew i wouldn't. and i knew everything... i knew my motives and why i did them and i punished people because they deserved it and i questioned and scoffed at all their morals because i thought they were dumb, shallow and stupid. i stopped giving anyone chances. and after awhile it made me feel so angry at myself for doing this that i felt that everything was just useless and i couldn't turn anythign back around. i couldn't deny people's morals when i couldn't even trust my own. i convinced myself i wasn't all these 'bad' things when i wasn't and became so convinced that in the end i became every single thing i looked down on.
but who was i to judge good from bad when i can't tell the difference between that fine line that divides them. whenever anyone said anything i was surprised by their reaction or i didn't thin kwas right, my immediate resopnse was anger and up until this year was when i actually began showing it. and i regret that... i didn't think much into it like i used to and get over it and let it go but still remember it.
and if i did think far.. it was all going in the wrong direction. i don't exaclty know how the subject shifted this way... but one thing i learned today is how golden trust is. and how devestating the affects are when you lose it... for yourself as well as for others. and how much hope can do for you. i'm not sure i'll ever be able to gain it back... but then again there goes my lack in hope. and well, if i never do, i just hope i can somehow get my brothers or someone else to see that before it's too late. maybe i'll make that the first goal to hold for a long time. one problem that everyone has is recurring mistakes... and it just takes simple ones like these to chane a life or two.
and something like that completes a life... at least it will mine. i'm going to go paint now... for my brother. i think he deserves it. on a positive end. i can learn a thing or two from him. happy brithday little bro. even though it's in a week. i need to get up and do something. get rid of lazy ass syndrome. have a happy memorial day 
