  so, im not going to that bbq thing with her today. she said that its kindof turned into an all girl thing. i asked her if she actually wanted me to go and it was sooooo hard for fer to say no. whatever. we're chillin before the bbq thing. the only problem is that shes syaing that i get to decide what we do.
FUCK! i cant do that! i cant make any decisions at all, especially when it comes to hanging out. normally when i chill withsomeone we dont really do much of anything. a lot of times we end up just sittin in my house not doing anything. i like that, but i dont think shed enjoy that. whatever, ill ask her and if she doesnt want to do that then ill try to think of something else. but fuckin a, man..... im just remembering her face when she smiles and i cant control myself right now............ oh god, im so head over heels, although she is too, so whatever..........fucking jesus.........she is so beautiful. the other night we had a pretty heavy conversation about what pace at which we're taking this. she is completely new to this, like i am basically her first boyfriend, so you can understand when she says she wants to go slow. she is also very jumpy and nervous i guess, along with not being a very "touching" person. the most weve ever really touched was when she hugged me for telling her something "really" sweet ("im not just happy that i have a girlfriend, im REALLY happy that youre my girlfriend") and when i kindof give her little pats like on the back, nothing hard just really soft little pats (she says she thinks thats really cute).
this kindof causes a problem, because when im with her i just get the urge to grab her and just fucking hold her. im sure someone out there knows what i mean... but fuck, i love how it is right now sooooooooooooo much, but sometimes i just feel like i should be holding her, i just get the urge to be even closer to her and for some reason thats the first thing that pops into my head......... i just want to fucking hold her............ whatever, itll come (i hope...) and when it does itll be fucking great. god shes so fucking beautiful.............i cant fully express it........................ 
