  that has been my phrase of the year. and i'm saying it again tonight. i need to move on and i dont know how. i cant wait til august or i'll waste my summer. so i stayed up til 2am to watch one of the newer episodes of boy meets world. then i have this urge to listen to "the freshman," which i dont think i've heard since last summer at habitat.. i cant believe i'm letting myself listen to it because i know it will make me cry.
its a sad song, and for a while, any sad song makes me cry - it makes me think about the crap going on in my life. so i'm going to reflect on stuff, mostly family crap, once again.. but first, i'm really confused spiritually. i've contemplated not labeling myself as a Catholic... i really do like mass. i love the peace it can give me. i regret going to confession on the retreat. people kinda persuaded me to go, convinced me that it was the right thing to do.
but its not like i was lost without confession. i still had my faith and i prayed almost every day. i definitely think i was better off without it. i hate how confession makes me feel. i did not get any sense of peace like jackie gets from it. its made me feel so horrible.
this priest made me feel like an awful person for not going to confession for 3 years. just because i didnt have the formality of confession does not mean that i wasnt sorry for whatever i did. i still talked to God, told Him what i did wrong, and asked for forgiveness. i dont need a priest to tell me God forgives me. what kind of faith would that be if that were the case? i really feel strongly about confession now.
for a while i didnt know how i felt about it. but now, i definitely believe that i dont need confession. not that i'm better than it or something. however, for me, personally, i dont think i should be forced to do something that makes me completely uncomfortable. maybe i'll try it again, maybe not. maybe i'll go to notre dame and get some realization there or something.
but for now, confession has made me feel like crap. the only good thing that i got out of it was the priest telling me to stop trying to work out my family situation. its not worth all the time and energy before i get into my family situation, let me complain one more time about mark. i dont know what happened, and i'm not the only one noticing how wierd he's acting. all he wants to do is play euchre with jackie. he gets so into that game like its his life, and he's SUCH a sore loser.
he'll never admit it though. and then he's never serious. how am i supposed to be friends with someone if i cant even sit down and have a conversation with him? its ridiculous. he expects me to be nothing but nice to him when he's never genuine with me. i wish i could tell him off, but i wouldnt do that just because of the person i am.
plus, he's going on that week-long habitat trip... i regret pushing him to go. but he was nice then. there was no way i could have known about his attitude problem now. haha he told my sister that he thinks i hate the watch he bought me for graduation because i wasnt wearing it the day after he gave it to me. well, first of all, when he saw me at my house, i had just gotten home from babysitting the 4 kids. why would i wear a nice watch to a baysitting job??
second of all, i simply dont like watches. why do you think i never wear one? if i want to know the time, i will check my cell phone or look at a clock or ask someone who likes to wear a watch. so basically he had no basis for his assumption, and i'm sorry if it hurts him that i dont like watches and i'm not wearing the one he bought me 24/7. why couldnt he just get a gift certificate like he did for my sister and brother? and why did he get my brother a present in the first place?
anyway, i just dont get him and i dont want to see or talk to him for a while. so back to my family. i really really thought that during the summer it would get better. i dont know why i thought that.. i just assumed it. or maybe i just didnt think about it. i'm tired of having to deal with my family.
my stress level should not be high this summer. i have no school work to do, i actually want to read for fun (the first time in 4 years), i can take naps almost every day, i've been sleeping in for a month, i got into notre dame (but my family even fucked that up. yeah the stuff my mother was saying, besides her flat out not wanting me to go there, was definitely a little bit shady) so i'm moving to another state in august... i just shouldnt be stressed out. i am just really tired of crying. i'm tired of being emotionally drained. my family just sucks all the energy out of me.
i'm tired of being yelled at, i'm tired of feeling lonely and feeling like no one cares of me. maybe if i brought up crap from the past... i dont know if i'm ready to admit some of it. my family cannot even begin to comprehend how much they hurt me, especially freshman and sophomore year. when i look back at how much they didnt care about me... i lose it. i'm definitely crying right now. its just hard to see your family, who's supposed to care the most about you, care the least about you.
my family saw me all the time those 2 1/2 years. they should have noticed that something was seriously wrong. but instead, i had a few friends abandon me and my family was never there to begin with, so i 'dealt' with it myself, and i still struggle with it today. literally today. it sucks and i dont know what to do. i dont know who i can trust.
well, its not a trust issue. its more of an 'i dont know who i want to open up to' issue. i could name 5 people right now who i could tell and who i could completely trust. i just dont know if i want to let anyone into this aspect of my life. when i let meg fitz in... man she disappointed me like anything. i wonder if she wonders (since i;ve been seeing her at least once a week for the past 2 years) how i'm doing.
i wonder if she knows how much she hurt me. i really wonder if she was ever truly concerned about me. cuz she didnt show it. but my family disappointed me the most. they should have known whereas megan, who really only saw me during school, had a slight idea. i feel like i should bring it up before college.
get it all out in the open and then i can leave everything behind. but part of me just doesnt want to bring it up until i've completely handled it all myself. why is this all coming out tonight? i guess i'm just in a reflective mood. i dont know. maybe it all comes down to the fact that at the end of the day i'm not happy and in this house i dont know how to get happy.
i really want to have a good conversation with yvonne. i cannot wait for her to get back from texas so we can hang out. i miss her a lot. right now especially, i just feel so different from everyone else. i read some people's blogs and talk to people, and i know i'm innocent. i dont drink or do drugs, i get good grades, i work hard, i've never had a boyfriend or even gone on a date.
and i'm fine with it, and its not like i desire to go out and drink or whatever, but it definitely sets me apart. i notice this most with yvonne. i love her to death, and i'm so glad to know her and be friends with her, but i do see how different we are. oh yeah, on a random note, when i went to starbucks tonight, i ordered two drinks, one for jackie and one for me. this 30 year old bald guy was the cashier, and he only rang up one drink. i've never gotten a free drink, and it was very nice.
but he was definitely at least 30. however, i've decided i can use this to my advantage - if starbucks is hiring. that would be so great to work there. employees get freeeeee coffee! that's my favorite kind of coffee! :) oh i would love to work at starbucks... much more than at dirty glendale splash park where i would have to save like 50 kids a day. apparently they dont really know how to swim there.
i dont know. but speaking of pools, i want to go to the pool tomorrow more than anything. swimming would take a lot of this crap off my mind. the perfect day tomorrow would be to sleep in, lay outside and listen to music, swim at the pool, work for 6 hours, and then do something nice. maybe go to the movies. i would probably be going by myself but thats ok. i really want to see "saved.
" i'm not quite sure what its about, but it looks good. but why isnt it playing at any theatres near me? anyway goodnight i'm tired cuz its 3 in the morning... 
