  Will I ever be normal? I doubt it. Whatever normal is. Will I always be depressed, anxious, agitated and a worry wart?
I am surprised my stomach isn’t full of ulcers. Thank you mother for passing down your worries to me. I am becoming my mother. My mind is always going, thinking….worrying. I have been thinking of someone I shouldn’t be thinking of. I don’t want to admit it. I am home alone with my thoughts. I am thinking about going back to the hospital for awhile.
I am starting to hear voices. I didn’t want to tell Jim because I know it would worry him. I am a little scared since I had an uncle with schizophrenia. Jim had mentioned that he had played yahoo pool with a woman that was a bipolar schizophrenic. He was laughing about it and said that when she told him he was like….”Ok….let me get the hell out of here”.
How could I tell him my fears? Would he pull away from me and think I am also a freak? When I go to bed and close my eyes I hear these voices telling me to just end it. That is why I probably haven’t been sleeping well. I want to just run in an open field or stand at the top of a mountain and just scream over and over.
I think I need the help again. I should be seeing a therapist but I haven’t been. I am sure Jim knows there are things on my mind. I haven’t been myself, whatever that is. I am trying to hang on until June 19th. William’s graduation party is supposed to be that day, we think. I can’t think straight. My thoughts and ideas are in my head one minute and gone the next and I don’t even remember what I was thinking about.
The paranoia is getting worse. I am afraid to look outside. I think someone will see me. I want to hide in a cave and stay there in the dark. I don’t want any bad thoughts or things to touch me. Many times I wish I could start my life over. So many things I would do differently. Different choices might have different outcomes. The two things in my life that I would not change are my son Michael and my husband Jim. Those are the only two things in my life that are good. They are the two things that keep me going every day when it would be so easy to just pull the trigger, unscrew the caps and use the knife.
I have to keep telling myself that I will get through this day and survive. I am so tired though. Tired of my life being one big struggle. I want to be normal, whatever normal is. I have my own little world, but it's okay - they know me here. ~Author Unknown 
