  FROM JULY 2, 2003: Hi Ladies-- Another Wednesday, another recap. Things were pretty uneventful last night, so I have compiled a little list that some of the things I have discovered during my years behind the bar. 1. If you are drunk and you absolutely have to kiss someone, stay away from guys with ponytails. A man with a ponytail is just one trim away from having a mullet and should be treated accordingly. 2.
You can only hit on a bartender if he is ugly. If he is hot, avoid him. 3. Never ask for a "light" or "weak" drink. That means that I will put no alcohol in your cocktail, but i will still charge you for it. 4.
One out of fifty guys who will hit on you behind the bar will be good looking. However, if you do miraculously find the one in fifty, he still won't call. That's probably because he's a male bartender. See reason #2. 5. Never ask a bartender to "suggest" a beverage for you.
This means that I will make you a brightly colored drink that is simple for me to make and expensive for you to drink. 6. Never order a drink if you can't pronounce it. I once spent ten minutes with a customer swearing up and down that we didn't have CO-VO-SEER. (Courvoisier) 7. If you order a bottle of wine and smell the cork you are undoubtedly an a#shole.
8. Public displays of affection are cute if you are 20 and under. They can become a little graphic and disturbing in your 20s. By mid-30s, you are looking desparate. By 40, you need to get a room because you are scaring the 20-somethings in the bar with what they could have to look forward to. 9.
Drinks that signal the guy ordering it is a loser:  a cosmo (especially if it is on the rocks), any shot that has a name like surfers on acid, schnapps, any drink mixed with diet coke, or any form of gin and juice. 10. What a girl's choice in drink says about her. Apple martini:  She has no originality. Beer:  She's easy to please, but probably not the best tipper Scotch on the rocks:  She's my hero. A Martini that requires two adjectives or more to order (i.e extra dry, with olives and a twist):  She's high maintenance.
Shots:  It's her birthday. She's looking to hook-up or, most probably, both. 11. When you are trying on your outfit at home, and you notice that a certain pose makes your breasts or a#s hang out, get ready for the other bar patrons to see your breasts or a#s later that night. 12. If you want to get up and dance when no one else is dancing be sure that you have been complimented on your dancing skills by five to ten SOBER people throughout your life.
13. If you leave a big tip, do not stick around until you are sure that the bartender has noticed. The coolest move is to leave without expecting a compliment. You will be remembered anyway. 14. If you drink Guiness from a can or bottle, you are an idiot.
15. Outdrinking a guy you are on a date with never goes well. 16. When people meet at a bar and are romantically inclined, eight out of ten times the girl is better looking than the guy. 17. Week-end drinkers are amateurs.
The hard-cores come out on Sundays, Mondays, and Tuesdays. 18. Guys CANNOT be cool if they don't tip well. If they are ungenerous with their bartender, they will be ungenerous in other... uh... more intimate areas. 19. If a bartender remembers your name, it signals one of two things:  a)  you're hot or b) you tip well.
20. Never wear a short skirt while tending bar. 21. If you cut your hand while working behind the bar, the best way to stop it from bleeding is to use Crazy Glue. 22. Signs that a customer is a potential jerk:  returning a drink, commenting on the tanons in a wine that came from a bottle that has been open for a week, explaining how he makes his drinks at home, ordering a drink for his date without consulting her, or telling you that the owner's is his friend.
23. Any of the above can be cancelled out with a big tip. 24. Signs that a customer is potentially cool:  asking the bartender about her day, putting the drinks on a card but tipping in cash, or buying a drink for a man or woman he just met. 25. Most common way for people to try to pick each other up:  jump into a conversation that the other is having with me or with another patron.
26. Never order martinis in a dive bar. 27. If a bartender doesn't charge you for a coke or a sprite, she thinks that you are reasonably cool. 28. There is no excuse for tipping less than 20% on a corporate card.
29. When you are tasting a wine, you are merely checking to see if the wine has gone bad/turned to vinegar. This custom is not about you trying to return it because you meant to order merlot not cabernet. 30. The hardest working people in restaurants and bars are the dishwashers and the barbacks. 31.
Guys that order light beer are either trying not to get too drunk or are calorie conscious. 32. Best pick-up line ever used on me while I was tending bar:  "Honey, heaven must be missing an angel because you are right here in front of me. "  Not kidding... 33. Heavier girls usually tip better than skinnier girls. 34.
Men usually tip better than women. 35. Sitting at a bar and not ordering anything to drink on a busy night is not acceptable. Standing behind the bar and not drinking is fine. 36. If you are ever cut off by a bartender, settle your tab and leave immediately.
That sort of thing is never negotiable. 37. Commenting positively on a customer's appearance can increase your chances of getting a bigger tip. 38. The people that tip the best work in the restaurant industry. 39.
Never complain to the waitstaff about things that they obviously have no control over. Some of these topics include:  the temperature in the bar, the type of liquor the bar has, or the time last call is given. 40. If you have ever been thrown out of a bar, don't go back there. 41. I know of five different ways to make sex on the beach, so don't complain if the drink comes out in a color different from the one you usually receive.
42. If a guy orders a Long Island Ice Tea, he is in a hurry to get drunk, 43. 'Tutes tip better than pimps. 44. If you are in a lounge and it has sofas, never take off your shoes and recline on the furniture. 45.
Never ask for more than two changes to be made to a food or drink order. 46. People from Europe, unless they have permanently moved to the States, rarely tip more than 10%. 47. Try not to comment on how high a tab is, no matter how suprised you maybe. 48.
Most romantic thing I have ever seen in a bar:  A guy (who was a good singer) seranading his girlfriend with U2's "Sweetest Thing. "  Their eye color was even correct. 49. Always tip your barbacks and the other restaurant employees out extrememly well. If you don't, how can you rightfully expect your customers to do #50? 50.
TIP WELL. If I don't talk to all of you,have a happy fourth! 
