  Hey, everyone, just got back from church... Did pretty much nothing except eat slushies and talk to friends... Anyways, I just want to say that I really appreciate this blog thing cause it helps me write out and develop these theories about y I'm unhappy and how I can be happy. My only regret is that I forget some of these theories before I can write them down. Anyways, today, I wanna tell about my self-hatred state. I hate myself for the same reasons someone else might hate me. Character defects maybe, possibly for just being plain wierd. But the most dominant reason is that I hurt other people.
In my search to find my happiness, I hurt countless others, however unintentionally. That can prolly be attributed to my stupidity. When something seems right or cool to do at a certain time, I do it. And it ends up hurting someone. This has happened everywhere from gym to bonding time I spend with my friends. The worst thing is how the people I care about the most r the ones who get hurt the most.
Many of them still carry the physical or emotional scars today. I think about the actions I did, the things I said afterwards and realize how stupid I was. And it was all done because I wanted to be happy... One of my friends said today, that happiness is the most important thing in life. I agree because without happiness, nothing else matters much. But this important question struck me, who's happiness is more important? Ur own or someone else's?
If they're equally important, then what happens if u can only be happy at the expence of someone else's happiness? What should u do? And what if u took away someone else's happiness? Does that make u responsible for that person's happiness, in addition to ur own? Who's to make these decisions? Deciding who gets to be happy and who gets to be unhappy is like deciding who lives and who dies.
No one is qualified to make that choise. I certainly am not. So what now? Do I feel guilty about striving for my happiness while unknowningly stepping on others' happiness? Do I continue to hate myself? I don't no.
But then, I don't no much. Sometimes, like right now, I wish someone who had all the right answers would just tell me what to do. But the most knoledgeble is always the quiet one. In fact the all-knowing one is the most silent one. He nevers tells me anything. I've asked Him every question I've asked here in my blog and so far, I haven't got an answer.
I swear I feel tired whenever I write in this blog. I'm gonna go now. Cya. 
