  I’ve survived one of the worst days since Adrian’s death, and I’m happy to say I’m feeling much better today. Thursday was the pits, overwhelming sadness with a migraine and the shock of Adrian being gone hitting me all over again (what's with that?). Actually the day felt like being tossed in the ocean with drowning waves of grief and I had to hold on until time passed and I could fall asleep. But I made it and I’m really thrilled. One step away from overwhelmingly bad days is comforting, in a strange sort of way. So you ask what made Thursday so much worse than all the other day’s I’ve survived without my beloved hubby?
Simple, carry over from Wednesday when Rebecca and I went to the dentist. Something as naturally frustrating as no parking spaces (I've never had a parking problem there before, and it made the whole time at the dentist hurt)made me realize what fragile ground I stand on. As a treat after I took Rebecca out to dinner (a fun pizza and pasta place Adrian and I kept meaning to try). At first she didn’t want to since it reminds her too much of daddy (I don’t think we’ve been out to dinner in 9 months since he died, oh once with Grandma Donna for Rebecca’s birthday in October). The word 'pizza' was all I really needed to say and she became eager! Dinner out devastated me (seemed totally weird without Adrian) plus I actually ate pizza and the cheese made me sick (not used to rich food, Adrian loved cheese though, and now we don't stock it at home). The hole without Adrian seemed so wretchedly huge, and dinner out magnified our loss. When we got home Rebecca ate some cookies and I started craving these. She said something that sounded exactly like Adrian “go ahead and just eat one and stop talking about it”.
That broke me up (though really Adrian used to say it in a nice joking way and so did Rebecca). For maybe the first time since Adrian died I really felt the need to overeat. Almost to chase away the hole, which was the stupidist thing for me to do. I was scared at how powerful my feelings were to overeat and fill the void. I could've eaten the whole box but I stopped maybe at 8. I had to go upstairs and go to bed; just a horrible out of control feeling.
But thankfully passed. I weighed in this morning at 125 and felt so much better (dropped 2 pounds since the pizza and cookies) and actually felt a sliver of happiness. If I develop a weight loss obsession (just joking), maybe I can cope better with the loss of Adrian (I still weigh 10 pounds less than last year and 30 less than 2 years ago). Thursday we had a surprise newspaper delivered to our driveway (also pushed me further into drowning water). Wow something as simple as the newspaper on the driveway reminded me of our life together, albeit in a good way, and how much has changed for me (plain scary).
I kept looking for messages from Adrian and this article, which I wouldn’t have found on-line, gave me hope in the future: “A group of 26 retired US diplomats and military officers said yesterday that President Bush should be voted out of office in November for damaging US national security interests and America’s standing in the international community.” Exactly! About time some people of influence spoke out. I'm tempted to move to Guernsey when Rebecca and I visit in mid-July (for a month! ) but not really, as she is settled here. Yesterday the sun shining (like a slap in the face) and forcing myself to work out didn’t help me feel ok. Really I could not wait for the day to end, I never had these feelings when Adrian was alive!
Rebecca had such a rough time last night too, but woke in far better spirits. She said things like “I wish daddy were the one here and you were gone” and “you’re so bossy” and “reading is so boring” and “I’m so mad at daddy for dying and it’s just too sad to talk about”. I think all this stuff is so important to get out and I'm glad she was able to say it (instead of getting mad and door slamming). She also said “I’m not a baby, so I can’t cry.” Well I put that myth to rest. She was in a great mood this morning though she is naturally sad about school ending (at least she can still see her teacher, but not Daddy--bah wah). I still can't believe it's the end of the school year, but that topic is for another post. I took Harry for an hour walk this morning (well he took me for the walk). We are starting to train him to heel just for walk to the bus stop, almost 1.5 years after we've had him. My walk this morning was nice with the sun shinning (I was ok with sun today, though it just feels so ‘mean’, which shows you how sensitive I am lately).
I tried hard to just appreciate being alive (not always good at that, but at least I make the attempt). Key for me, I survived last night (despite some weird lightening storm); all I wanted was for the day to end (as fast as possible). Yes I dreamed about Adrian and that helped (even though it was the scary repetitive dream I have about the ambulance taking Rebecca away from us). One moment at a time and today is mow the lawn and massage day, and Friday thankfully! I can do it??? Do you think??? Thanks for listening. 
