  Okay, this is a little after the point, but I happened to be surfing the 'Net and saw this article written by openly gay Filipino American director urlLink Q. Allan Brocka posted on urlLink The Advocate's Website. I thought it was so funny that it almost had me peeing in my pants. God, I love funny gay Asian Americans (and, remember...I can say this because I AM a funny gay Asian American). Whitney Houston, we have a problem It&#146;s music mogul Clive Davis&#146;s week on American Idol, which means it&#146;s really Whitney Houston Week. But will all those power ballads work for Fantasia? Can our flower-addicted columnist resist voting for Jasmine?
And who is Diana again? By Q. Allan Brocka &nbsp; An Advocate.com exclusive posted May 21, 2004 &nbsp; DISCLAIMER: No actual Whitney Houstons were used in the writing of this article. &nbsp; THE PERFORMANCES SHOW It&#146;s once...twice...three times per lady as the holy trinity perform three songs apiece in a fantastic m&eacute;nage of girl-on-girl-on-girl action. In the grand American Idol tradition of celebrity judges, I&#146;ve invited a celebrity commentator to watch the show and yell at my TV screen with me. Ladies and gentlemen, please raise your roofs for the triple threat: vocalist, blacktress, and additional-lyrics writer...Whitney Houston!&nbsp; Whitney arrives just as that transgender CGI doll marches through the field of American flags. &#147;Bobby and the kid are waiting in the car, so I can only stay a couple days.&#148; She kicks off one shoe and flops on my bed.
I turn up the television. A foxy, faux-hawked Ryan Seacrest makes a cheerful entrance in a gray-and-white suit that reminds me of----&nbsp; Whitney interjects, &#147;Who&#146;s that gay dude? He&#146;s dressed like Rain Man&#146;s brother.&#148; That&#146;s what I was gonna say!&nbsp; &#147;He&#146;s Ryan Seacrest. And like the guy who played Rain Man&#146;s brother, he&#146;s straight,&#148; I explain.&nbsp; &#147;Yeah, and I&#146;m really sober this time.&#148; She rolls her eyes.&nbsp; I smile. &#147;Damn, I was just about to offer you some crack.&#148;&nbsp; She looks up quickly. &#147;Do you----&#148;&nbsp; I cut her off.
&#147;Just kidding.&#148; Now I&#146;m embarrassed.&nbsp; She forces a laugh. &#147;I knew that. I was kidding too. That&#146;s what they call me. Margot Kidder. No-crack-doing Margot Kidder.&#148; We share an awkward laugh and turn back to the television.&nbsp; Ryan introduces the judges and the official celebrity guest, the pop of pop, the man with the golden ears, the mastermind behind Milli Vanilli----Clive Davis.
His list of music accomplishments is pretty legendary for a white guy. In a navy blazer and a black shirt? Clash of the Titans! Surely he can afford a gay who isn&#146;t colorblind.&nbsp; Ryan explains that each girl has three songs tonight: one of her choice, one chosen by a judge, and the third picked by Clive. Whitney whoops for her Svengali. Clive says that there hasn&#146;t been any good pop music for 15 years and American Idol is bringing it back.
&#147;Have I made an album in the past 15 years?&#148; Whitney asks. &#147;That&#146;s funny, I can&#146;t remember.&#148;&nbsp; First up, more reviled than the not so Private Lynndie England is Jasmine Trias, with &#147;Saving All My Love for You.&#148; She has a big blue lily pad stuck to her neck and moves like an animatronic doll that should be singing &#147;It&#146;s a Small World.&#148; She sounds really nice, but I&#146;ve never been one to settle for &#147;really nice&#148; (unless it was subversive to do so). There&#146;s Jassy&#146;s hot brother! Damn, he&#146;s young. Illegally so. Bad libido, bad, bad!
The number&#146;s nearly over when Whitney exclaims, &#147;Oh, my God, I totally know this song!&#148;&nbsp; The audience goes freaky for Jasmine, and she tells them how much she loves them. Randy rolls his eyes: &#147;You got a lotta love out there.&#148; Go figure. The judges give her a resounding thumbs...neither up nor down. Paula says, &#147;You have to sing as good as Whitney.&#148; Whitney throws her other shoe at the TV: &#147;As well as Whitney, illiterate ho!&#148; Clive assures us that Whitney is one of a kind. Whitney echoes, &#147;Yeah, there&#146;ll never be another me!&#148; Simon says she&#146;s like dinner with &#147;Poller&#148; Abdul: a Slim-Fast shake and a laxative.&nbsp; Fantasia&#146;s next with &#147;Chain of Fools.&#148; I hate it when singers tell me to stand up and clap. Whitney gives me permission to remain seated.
Fantasia&#146;s sexy black outfit says &#147;Who&#146;s your Mama?&#148; with straps, buckles, the whole 69 yards. She&#146;s damn good. Who was I kidding? I know I&#146;ve wanted her to win all along. Randy silences the crowd with his patented &#147;All right, so check it out.&#148; I liked Simon going first better. The judges love her.
Paula thanks her for celebrating each and every week, then claps her hands like a toddler who went doody in the bowl like a big girl.&nbsp; Diana DeGarmo&#146;s next with &#147;Ain&#146;t No Mountain High Enough.&#148; There&#146;s a genie in a bottle somewhere missing some pants. And her hair! She&#146;s had an extreme Muppet makeover, transforming from Miss Piggy to Janice the groovy rock Muppet with the lips and that yellow mop yarn for hair. The judges don&#146;t really like her. Simon says she shouted the song. She always shouts the songs!
That&#146;s how she &#147;makes them her own&#148;! Sorry, am I shouting? I actually kinda like Diana, except for when she&#146;s laughing. Or forcing a connection with the audience like a pushy telemarketer. Or getting votes. After her dismal showing with the judges De-groovy, De-with-it DeGarmo heads backstage to stab Jasmine.&nbsp; I wish they&#146;d stop calling this &#147;the battle of the divas.&#148; That implies Jennifer Hudson vs. Fantasia or Brad Pitt vs. Eric Bana.
Imagine how flawless tonight would be with Jenny the Hud freaking out every time Clive Davis opened his mouth or touched his golden ear.&nbsp; Flower Power&#146;s back for another dose of weed killer. This time it&#146;s judge&#146;s choice. Paula has picked &#147;Mr. Melody&#148; for Jasmine because it&#146;s up-tempo and because she&#146;s cruel (or maybe because &#147;Inseparable,&#148; another Natalie Cole song, was Jassy&#146;s only great performance so far).&nbsp; Jasmine sounds good. Just good. Whitney observes, &#147;She&#146;s too nasal. She needs to loosen up her nose holes.&#148; The graphics behind her look like that gross &#147;Kotex fits.
Period&#148; commercial. Natalie Cole is suddenly regretting whatever favor she called to get this song on the roster. The judges aren&#146;t too thrilled. Simon says, &#147;Everyone&#146;s thinking the same thing.&#148; Yeah! Make her cry and I&#146;ll vote for her again! &nbsp; Simon picks &#147;A Fool in Love&#148; by Ike and Tina Turner for Fantasia, whose family reproduces exponentially each week.
While she looks a bit demonic at the beginning and the canned backup singers are awful, her performance is Fantasia-astic! And look at that clever sign: tasia fan. I don&#146;t get the fantasia texas sign, though. I want to see a sign that says macy gray fans for diana.&nbsp; Randy says she&#146;s got the spirit of Mary J., the spirit of Aretha--in fact, she&#146;s a regular graveyard. Just look at all those crosses on her neck. Clive says if he saw her in a basement in Kansas he would sign her right away.
Whitney adds, &#147;If Clive was with a teenage girl in a basement in Kansas----&#148; then she passes out.&nbsp; Diana, the triplet of Snellville, is next. I wish they were changing outfits between numbers. I&#146;d rather see her whole leg or no leg at all----that slit skirt makes me feel dirty (with one r ). Randy picks &#147;Because You Loved Me&#148; and hopes she has the pipes to do it. Whitney suddenly snaps to and reaches for her purse. &#147;How many pipes you need, baby?&#148;&nbsp; Diana&#146;s sitting on the old John Stevens spittoon.
She starts out shaky but gets better. I think it was unfair to stick her with C&eacute;line, especially after her stab at &#147;My Heart Will Go On&#148; prompted them to scold her for picking C&eacute;line. Randy says it was &#147;just a&#146;ight,&#148; his exact words for the last C&eacute;line performance (I checked----it&#146;s only fair to mention that they&#146;re his exact words for anything). The rest of the judges find more creative ways to say &#147;just a&#146;ight.&#148;&nbsp; Three is the magic number, because Clive picked their songs this round. Hit me, Jasmine, one more (and last? ) time with &#147;All by Myself.&#148; A wickedly cruel choice.
La Toya ruled with this song early in the season. Now that La Toya&#146;s in la toilet, with Jasmine&#146;s guilty hand on the flusher, Clive wants to make us regret our decision.&nbsp; Of course Jasmine is not amazing. That was never why I liked her. See, maybe this whole thing will wake something up in the media at large: Asian-Americans are hungry for representation! So much so, we&#146;re willing to vote forward less-talented singers just to see somebody, anybody, on TV who resembles us. Besides, we did the producers a huge favor.
Had the final two been La Toya and Fantasia, people wouldn&#146;t be energized either way and it&#146;d be a close vote with the &#147;who cares?&#148; factor of last year&#146;s Clay vs. Ruben results. La Toya needed to get interesting and pit herself against Fantasia. As Whitney put it, &#147;La Toya will make a great diva once she develops a crack habit or finds her Ike Turner.&#148;&nbsp; Simon dashes Jassy&#146;s hopes with his stern commentary, &#147;It has to end tonight.&#148; Oh, come on, she can beat Diana and then lose to Fantasia, right? I&#146;d be cool with that. But what if, horror of horrors, Diana beats Fantasia too? Jassy would take all the blame.
Ergo, I must support Fantasia now. Otherwise, Diana could win and her spirited cackle would ring out eternally. Tee hee. Hee hee. Haw haw!&nbsp; It&#146;s a Fantasia finale with Clive&#146;s pick, &#147;The Greatest Love of All.&#148; Whitney&#146;s face goes white. &#147;But they picked that for me!
That&#146;s my song.&#148; Clive says when he discovered Whitney (in a basement in Kansas? ) she was singing this. Whitney shrieks, &#147;We discovered each other! I am not a puppet...puppet...puppet...&#148; A brusque thump on the back clears her up. &#147;Thanks, sweetie. Did she just say &#145;I believe the childrens are the future&#146;?
That&#146;s not how it goes!&#148;&nbsp; The judges are blown away. Clive says, &#147;Wow.&#148; Simon tells her to read the sign behind her: &#147;American Idol.&#148; (Get it? ) Didn&#146;t he pull something like that on Josh Gracin? And the baggage handler who was related to the dead president? Fantasia bursts into tears, thus cinching my 200 and some-odd votes. What a great show that was!
I love American Idol! &nbsp; Ryan interrupts: &#147;We&#146;ve still got one more left?&#148; Everyone looks around----who? He isn&#146;t sure, then it comes to him...Diana DeGarmo! America collectively counts up songs during the commercials. What do you know? He&#146;s right!
Here&#146;s Diana, yet again, with Clive&#146;s third power-ballad choice, &#147;Don&#146;t Cry Out Loud.&#148; Randy says he thought it was great, but he doesn&#146;t sound so convinced. Simon tells her to write a letter to Clive thanking him for putting her in the final two. It seems Simon&#146;s big on letter writing----he told Jasmine to write all of Hawaii.&nbsp; Now it&#146;s over for real, and time to vote. Whitney&#146;s passed out again, so I have to make the decision on my own. I decide to cast a single vote for Jasmine. If Jassy wins by one vote, it will be my claim to notoriety.
Then I heat up some JasMinute Rice and dedicate the rest of the precious two hours voting for Fantasia. I call from both my home and cell phones: 88 minutes in, I start getting fewer busy signals; 122 minutes in, I&#146;ve gotten through 287 times (out of over 3,000 attempts). I&#146;ve done my part for Fantasia. I wonder if she&#146;ll ever return the favor. Time to push Whitney over and climb into bed.&nbsp; THE RESULTS SHOW Whitney&#146;s gone. Bobby and the car are still idling out front.
What&#146;s really on my mind is the fate of Fantasia. The show starts with three clowns standing center stage----wait, those aren&#146;t clowns, it&#146;s the girls! Their Telemundo makeovers make them look like Christmas presents. Maybe they&#146;re gonna do that catchy &#147;Wanna Fanta?&#148; song. Ack, too late. Now it&#146;s stuck in my head.
Don&#146;tcha wanna?&nbsp; Ryan asks if they&#146;ve done enough to move on to the finals. What a loaded question. The Jas-master thinks she&#146;s done plenty. Tasey tells us once more how &#147;crai-zy&#148; she is. Diana gave &#147;400%.&#148; I wonder why she stopped there.&nbsp; Results? Don&#146;t even think about it.
First up is Tamyra Gray, with Whitney&#146;s wig, a golden bib, and a forgettable song she wrote called &#147;Star.&#148; Instead of her robotic pole dance we are, mercifully, treated to a montage of the 70,000 auditions. Are there really 69,987 degrees of talent between William Hung and Leah LaBelle? I cheer for my favorite also-rans: the &#147;Big Girls Rock&#148; girl, Mini-She, Muriel (Lisa Leuschner), and my all-time favorite, &#147;Lipstick Les&#148;Briana (she should&#146;ve made it further! ).&nbsp; If Tamyra&#146;s song didn&#146;t bore you to tears, sitting through &#147;Angels Brought Me Here&#148; made you beg for her to come back. No, that&#146;s not an albino Shirley Hemphill singing----it&#146;s the Australian Idol, Guy Sebastian. The accent makes it sound like &#147;Angles brought me hay.&#148; We could mate him with the Olsen twins to create the perfect living troll doll.
Was this the only World Idol they could dig up? I want Will Young! Or the Garbage Pail Kid from Norway.&nbsp; Told ya you&#146;d want Tamyra back. Well, here she is in a lovely purple shower curtain. It&#146;s the same song she sang a few weeks ago, &#147;Raindrops Will Fall.&#148; To commemorate her 100-year anniversary of getting kicked off Idol, she&#146;ll finally release a CD next week. Plus, she cowrote &#147;I Believe,&#148; which will be performed by Fantasia....er, the winner at next week&#146;s finale.
I wonder if she wrote the word I or believe. &nbsp; Now each girl gets to go home for a day. I love this part! They can go back to their high schools and say &#147;Enjoy insignificance!&#148; to everyone who ever picked on them. &#147;Oh, you wanna kiss my ass now? Now that I&#146;m on TV?
Kiss it! Psych! Get out, fool. This is my pep assembly.&#148;&nbsp; Jasmine goes to Hawaii and the island erupts. The lieutenant governor (when the actual governor is unable to fulfill...) declares May 13 to be Jasmine Trias Day. If she so chooses, she will rule that place until the day she dies.
&#147;Senator Trias&#148; has a great ring to it.&nbsp; Fantasia takes us to the furniture capital of the world. She shows us the elementary school where she got pregnant. A local factory builds her a couch, whereupon she says, &#147;When I&#146;m rich and famous, I&#146;ll let you guys build all the furniture for all my mansions.&#148; Her family looks like, well, a really fun family. The kind of home you always feel welcome in. Fantasia gets the key to the city and a &#147;special declaration.&#148; I wonder what Chicago would&#146;ve done for Jennifer Hudson----&#147;Here&#146;s a free bus pass&#148;?&nbsp; Diana&#146;s family is smaller. She and her mom are strong, independent women (part I), a lot like my own family.
Snellville makes her acting mayor for the day. Man, does she waste it----girl, the first thing you do is declare martial law! Her school awards her with a letterman jacket, and you can see the resentment of other students who actually earned theirs. Diana&#146;s king-size leopard-print waterbed seems like the perfect place to bury your face in a pillow and cry all night after getting dumped (or losing American Idol ) . &nbsp; The girls are center stage again. (Don&#146;tcha wanna?
) It&#146;s finally time to have one removed. Jasmine&#146;s already nodding: She&#146;s planning to leave whether she loses or not----Senator Trias is so noble. Ryan makes it official: Jasmine&#146;s 16th minute of fame is over. The girls hug her but don&#146;t cry as much as they ought to. &#147;I love you, Jassy! Friends forever and ever!&#148; Jasmine would like to thank us for embracing her talent.
Wait, did that sound snobby?&nbsp; Guess what, Jasmine, we have a surprise for you! Really? This is so unexpected! Yes, we want you to toss the coin to decide which of these two vultures goes first next week! Jasmine holds her smile steady, but her eyes say, &#147;What a #@$*!^&amp; lovely surprise.&#148; Fantasia, being &#147;crai-zy,&#148; hollers &#147;Heads!&#148; Diana passive-aggressively grits her teeth: &#147;Well, I guess I&#146;m tails then.&#148; It&#146;s already begun. Maybe Diana will make a good little diva after all. 
