  let's see... Sunday morning I got up and sent that journal entry off to Lisa. I think I explained how I felt clearly enough that she understands... or at least I hope so. I'm really having a hard time with this. I agree that it isn't the right timing for us to be dating, that I'd rather have her as a friend, that I think we did the right thing... but I am really struggling with it. I'm so used to having one good female friend to talk to and tell them everything on my mind. So while I still want that and I would love for it to be Lisa it kinda hinders her. I don't think she realizes how she acts with all her guy friends affects her other guy friends. I want her to have good guy friends but I wouldn't mind if she kinda held back a little or whatever.
She really does a number on my emotions when she mentions how she owes some guys kisses etc. I don't want to feel that way but I can't help it. Another thing that has been driving me nuts is that I can't stop thinking about her. I feel like I am back where I was before I told her I liked her. All I can do is think about her and day dream. It is really hard to not feel empty or whatever when she isn't around.
Like I talked to her on Tuesday and she had a meet last night and I had bible study so I didn't get to talk to her. She has a meet in Camden today and I probably won't be able to talk to her tonight either. Then tomorrow she is leaving for Rochester with Courtney for a dance competition. So she won't be at YG or online. She will be there for Saturday and most of Sunday. So it will be about what 5 days?
I know it sounds sad and pathetic and hopeless but that is me. I know dating her right now isn't what I should be doing but I still love her. Speaking of that I made the unfortunate mistake of getting onto an AOL account and reading her profile. She told me once that she wished I could see it because it was how she really felt. Well I read it and well... the thing that stuck in my mind was "I can't wait until I make you mine" and things kinda like that.
Which I'm wondering if she still feels that way or if she just hasn't gotten around to changing them yet... IDK. I really don't like dealing with all this uncertainty. I almost wish I hadn't gotten involved with Lisa not because I don't like her but because this has seriously hurt my relationship with her. It isn't anything she'll ever know but it is still something that is bouncing around in my head.
Let's see about the rest of my week. Sunday was uneventful... aside from talking to Lisa for about 5 hours. Monday I went to Bobi's and helped her there. That night I talked to Lisa for awhile. I really am glad that I have a friend like Jill. Sometimes it feels like Jill is the only person I can talk to. It is great to have Jill to talk to and bounce how I am feeling off. Tuesday I went to Ron and Bobi's too. I mowed and then helped at their rental house. Tuesday I also talked to Lisa and Jill. Renee was on too so I talked for a bit but she was kinda preoccupied. Wednesday was okay. I didn't do much.
Then there was today. I dropped the Knicks off at the airport. Then I got online. And I'm writing this and I'm harassing Kevin. I don't think I've laughed this much in a long time. It feels really good. We're picking armies, I managed to get Lisa, Jen, Renee, Alex, and Nate. Kevin has been begging me for Lisa or Jen. He isn't getting either. Time to go tho. 
