  Surgery was canceled. I should of known it was going to happen... Everytime I get so close to getting something I truly want, something gets screwed up and theres nothing I can do about it but pout.
Of course... my mom blames me for this happening -- I bring bad karma into my life. I mean please?! How much more could my life be fucked up and she wants to say THAT! It's funny the lecture she gave me though, wanting to know why I hate my dad and that I've been bottling things up inside for the last year and if I don't tell someone soon, it's gonna eat me inside till I can't handle it any more.
How hard is it to figure out why I hate my father? Shall we make a list? ~ It's okay for him not hear things but when his deaf daughter asks him to repeat he blows a casket and starts yelling. ~ Seems like he can talk to the whole world but yet he can't hold a conversation with his own daughter. ~ If I even do one thing wrong - I get yelled at but doesn't matter that all in all.. I'm one of his better kids! I've never done drugs, I rarely drink, never been to jail, don't borrow money unless I attent on paying it back. ~ The pure fact that I'm just suppose to forget about what happened in the past. Every time he'd come over hitting the door so hard that I'm surprised he didn't knock it out then shutting off my electric or phone because he wanted too. ~ The fact he's hurt me so badly that I felt the need to take a knife to my wrist and yet no one even knows about that.~ The fact sometimes I think he forgets I'm even his daughter and that I do have feelings. ~ The fact that I know he blames ME for mom not having a job, he blames me for more things then I can count.
Ugh... I wonder if that list is long enough for her? Doesn't even matter because I'll never be able to tell her the truth without her getting pissed off at me and telling me I just need to forget what happened but how can you? When it happens all the time! They've taught me to keep all this bottled up inside almost to the point that I can't or won't talk to anyone about it.
What's funny is... She brings all this up the day after I have dinner at there house. I sat there eating left overs at the kitchen table while my father sat right next to me playing cards and he couldn't even say one word to me!! Not one fucking word!! I guess I'm suppose to ignore things like that... Huh? Blah.... I wish it was that easy.... I really do. 
