  after having a whinge at jacQ for disappearing from the blog i'm feeling a little guilty about my own lack of contribution. nbsp;  so it's saturday morning,  11am,  still in my pj's,  listening to george michael.
 &
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 ready to&
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share.  hah &
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 the past few months have been strange.
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 i suspect i usually appear calm,  self- assured,  even distant perhaps to some,  and not all of you know&
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it's all to hold together a ball of chaos that ricochets &
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 through the entire spectrum of&
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emotions and the behaviours they ensue.
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 i tell you what was really strange for me.
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 two years ago a boy i was in love with did something which totally devastated me.
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 i sat in the gutter and sobbed.
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 i rang laura the next day to tell her and she was surprised that i'd cried.
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 i always previously thought i was easy to read,  didn't hide anything.
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 one of my closest friends is now telling me that she's surprised i reacted to something.
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 so i asked my flatmate,  who i'd lived with for four years what she thought.
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 she said that she never knew what i was thinking,  that i held everything in.
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 i realised that the times when i lose it emotionally i'm always by myself and manage to seem like nothing's wrong to everyone else.
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 so this is something i've tried to work on -  to let people in,  but trust is a big thing for me and takes a long time to earn.
 &
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 now&
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i have one of my oldest friends not speaking to me at the moment because on her&
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birthday the guy she had a massive crush on hit on&
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me and i let him.
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 for that moment,
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feeling close to someone was the over- riding factor.
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 and so one pays the price for those purely selfish decisions.
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 but i am so sick of putting people's needs before my own.
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 i do it with&
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family,
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friends,  work and my huge&
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capacity to feel guilt doesn't help.
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 i hate appearing falliable and needy,  detest&
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failure,  need a guarantee that something is going to work,  need to know that people are going to like me.
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i have a huge list of regimented rules inside my head.
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 my friends in sydney know that if i don't&
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answer my phone for a few days i'm in "
isolation booth mode"  when i shut down because i can't deal with people any more.
 &
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 &
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 i&
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know that i&
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deliberately don't challenge myself.
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 one of my friends told me that i was one of the smartest people he knows&
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and that i can do anything i put my mind&
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to.
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 whilst not wanting to blow my own trumpet,
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i suspect it's probably true&
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but doing anything about it&
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incurs risk,  and with risk comes uncertain outcomes.
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 it's&
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something to work on i guess -  it must be boring having nothing wrong with&
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oneself ;
nbsp; nbsp; nbsp; nbsp; nbsp;
 and so.  writing this i realise this is just scratching the surface.
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 back to all smiles and on with my day.
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 like everyday.
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nbsp; nbsp;
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