  I went for a walk today.&nbsp; Had to sort out my thoughts. It's hard to sort them out, though.&nbsp; Incredibly hard.&nbsp; Because my opinions change by the hour. I go through such a range of emotions throughout my day -&nbsp; depression, frustration, disappointment - but the one that always seems to stick is anger.&nbsp; And I really am pissed.&nbsp; That she gave up so easily.&nbsp; That I seemingly gave up the last three and a half months of my life.&nbsp; And that she's already over me. The latter is really the hardest part.&nbsp; It sucks knowing that - to me - she was 'my only girlfriend'.&nbsp; She was it.&nbsp; And it's hard getting over her.&nbsp; But - to her - I'm 'only her boyfriend'.&nbsp; I'm just one of many.&nbsp; I'm just the latest in her long list of ex-boyfriends.&nbsp; She's been through many relationships before, and mine's no different.&nbsp; She's been through many break-ups before, and this one's no harder. When I say stuff like that to her, she gets mad and tells me that it's not true.&nbsp; That&nbsp;I wasn't just another "Josh" or "Beau".&nbsp; But that's such a load.&nbsp; I was.&nbsp; I'm just another boyfriend to her.&nbsp; Josh had his three months.&nbsp; Then I got my three months.&nbsp; Now, who's turn is it next?&nbsp; And, honestly, I give it 3 months.&nbsp; 4 months tops.&nbsp; She'll have another boyfriend.&nbsp; And she will have completely forgotten about me.
It frustrates me because I could foresee this going in.&nbsp; I told her who worried I was that I was just going to end up another "Josh".&nbsp; I asked her if our relationship felt any different.&nbsp; She assured me she that it felt much different.&nbsp; She must have just been telling me only what I wanted to here.
If our relationship meant anything to her, it wouldn't have been so easy for her to break up with me.&nbsp; And that's another thing!&nbsp; I hated how she broke up with me.&nbsp; I hated how we wait seven months to get to be together again, and then when we finally get back home and everything should be fine, she dumps me ( over the phone! ) for seemingly no reason.&nbsp; At least no reason that I can understand. And&nbsp;I was the last person she talked to!&nbsp; She talked to her friends, she talked to her exes, apparently she talked to the entire state of Iowa except for me.&nbsp; By the time she talked to me (again, over the phone) she had already made up her mind that she was breaking up with me.&nbsp; I should have been the first one she talked to!&nbsp; We could have discussed our feelings, encouraged each other, and assured each other that things would get better soon.
But, no, I was the LAST person she talked to. Also, I've realized that getting over her requires not only giving up talking to her, but breaking off communication with her friends, as well. Tonight I talked with one of her best friends, Ashley Schmuecker.&nbsp; Why was this a bad idea?&nbsp; Because I realized how fine Heidi is doing without me.&nbsp; She's carrying on as if nothing ever happened.&nbsp; Ashley talked to me about how they spent the whole day at the mall, and when she told me about funny things that have happened to her recently, she usually ended them with "Heidi and I laughed about that for a long time afterward".
Outstanding. I put so much time and effort into making this relationship work, and then nothing.&nbsp; She dismisses it like nothing ever happened.
Earlier, I called the last three and a half months a waste.&nbsp; And that's what it was.&nbsp; I know that sounds a little harsh, but it's true.&nbsp; I put so much time and effort into making this relationship work, and I get nothing out of it.&nbsp; The only thing that resulted from the last few months is that now Heidi gets to add me to her long list of ex-boyfriends. Well, fine.&nbsp; Congratulations, Heidi.&nbsp; You can mark yourself down for one more.&nbsp;&nbsp;But don't ask me to be your puppet again.&nbsp; Because I'm not &nbsp;volunteering.
....(Hopefully I'm not challenged on that.&nbsp; I don't much have an appetite for crow. ) &nbsp; I just want to add one more thing.&nbsp; Just in case anyone is kind enough to devote five minutes of their day to reading my blog, I apologize for the last few posts.&nbsp; I know a lot of this is just stupid teenage drama.&nbsp; I also know that it will pass.&nbsp; But, until it does, this blog is my outlet.&nbsp; This is where I get it all out.&nbsp; I suppose posting it on the Internet in a blog is always better than yelling it in her face...and then living to regret it. So, I'm sorry.&nbsp; But bear with me.&nbsp; Just like I keep telling myself, this too shall pass. 
