  I'm updating here instead of my live journal because, frankly, I really just want to talk to Mimi about the current shit, and there are a bunch of people I don't want seeing this. So Carrie, Jenny, and Jer are all at his house right now. I was supposed to come, but my dad said that I need to stay home today, God knows why. Zane is supposed to be going too, but when I called he wasn't there yet. Now, it's not that I don't trust Jer, I don't trust Jenny.
So after agonizing over it for a few minutes, I called him back and told him that. He said he would call Scott and have him come over and "save him" because I'm uncomfortable about it. Well, that made me feel better for awhile, but I think I'm in a weird mood right now. I think some of the weirder things about me are starting to get on his nerves. Like my exhibitionism. He said he would post details about Monday in his journal, but then after I told him to because he hadn't yet, he wrote in his journal that he didn't want to because it's just the way he is about his sex life. Ok, I don't know why he couldn't just tell me that, but ok. My parents' overprotectiveness gets to him, I know that.
I think my difficulty with trusting people is beginning to show through now. It's been there since the end of seventh grade, but I try to push it away and just be laid back about everything. But at times, mostly just when I'm in such a relationship, it kicks back in and becomes rather overwhelming. So here I am, just plain feeling like shit. I don't like this, I want to be there in his arms, but I can't and she can, and that freaks me out.
I know that I need to trust more, but after seeing what happened with Jenny and Mimi, and then the whole Biltmore thing, I don't trust her worth shit. And I feel kinda bad about that, but still. I've become far too vulnerable in this whole thing, and it really just makes me cry. I'm scared, I try to keep myself out of situations in which I could easily get hurt (actually, betrayed is more like it) but I've fallen in love. I feel exposed, because he can see my worst traits and he can hurt me more than anyone else. I think I'm gonna go lay down, take a nap, cry a bit.
I hate this. But I love him. Oh fuck, my hands are shaking. I need you Mimi. I hope things are going better in Washington than they are here. 
