  Commencement was today. It was interesting. It was to serious for grade 9 grad. And people wore stupid dressy outfits.
Like prom gowns. And other really fancy dresses. I think that is stupid. And so many people had there hair all done up. I dyed my black and red, wore old school green shoes, a skirt, and a shirt. I wasnt all dressed up. Im not one to dress to up. Its a waste of time i must say. But ohwell good for those people. I told myself that i would not cry. But when i was going home. I started to. I felt like an idiot.
I cryed over many reasons. Its all so confusing. Leaving grade 9 isn't a big deal. Im not going to see the same annoying bitchy people day after day. I also wont see hmmm "him". Maybe that may be good.... LoL and bad. It was like leaving your way of life. Even though this way of life is somewhat displeasing. But you just have to suck it up and move on life.
I think i should listen to myself talk. I am stuck in a muddle and cannot move on. There are too many things i have to get over, to many things i have to figure out, to many things on my mind to move on. Commencement was in a church. My teacher said we have to be respectful and blah blah about it. But we weren't using the church for "church" purposes. It was for a school event. Hmm.. Ponder that... I'm going through a time were I am trying to find myself. Know who i really am. I used be this h-core christain i believe when i was little, then my dad past away and we kinda stoped going to church. In grade 7 my friends bought me back to God. I figured i had a releshionship with him. I didnt put much thought into it.
I never really used to swear, now a majority of my words are swears. Now all of sudden ( well the last long time) There is much to question about God, or a higher power. I have lost a great bit of faith in him, over various hard to talk about things. This is a question that often pops into my mind: If God wants us to love eachother and not hate, love thy enenmy, why would he create us not to so?
to hate one another, and feel pain. In grade 9 this is when it started comming to me. Other believers of God believe many things such as he is the only one. but what about all those other religions that believe the same thing? Do i believe in a higher power? or the right god? Do i even believe? why did god make all those starving children, all those people who kill themselves every day, or make my dad drown in the fucking river?
What is the point to all of that? Maybe to get over and fall in love with him. Follow him. Im not sure where i am believing god, or faith with him. But i know once i did, i felt at ease with him. Knowing he is there for me. But now im not too sure. There is to much shit with my family, i dont want to explain.
I also know this so many people lives have changed because of god, there they're lives were upside down, and because of them there life is going great. I dont feel that. I dont know what to think anymore. I dont smile as much as i did, i dont have my self figured out like i used to. I dont do drugs, i dont drink. But i have no faith. i would not call myself a christian, if do i am lying.
My family thinks im this perfect little christain girl... i go to church and stuff but it just confuses me more and more and i dont think that i am one. I dont know where i am going on this. But if you read it all i hope you understand somewhat more about me, and how it feels. Wow i went from commencement to god... hmmm... well... im tired, and im not in a good mood, i never am... sometimes over the stupidest things. Goodnight. Hannah 
