  so i guess the title sums that up that bit!&nbsp; i did slather myself in SPF 45 and went out to sit in the sun for about 5 mins. it was wonderful! i think im burnt though...&nbsp;&nbsp; *cough* HEEE ok so Emma posted in my comments that a problem shared is a problem halved which i do in every way agree with ... but... i always feel like a burden to people & am not used to asking for help or anything like that, i always feel like people are feeling sorry for me... pity party, that kind of thing.
but i suppose if everyone (well whoever reads this) promises not to show pity then ok i will share. promise???? OK then. im going through a mad depression right now, its been going on for over 2 weeks now and i know its real because ive never felt anything like it before.&nbsp; i smile, i laugh, i joke when all i really want to do is crawl into bed and sleep for eternity, never wake up.&nbsp; i just dont want to be here anymore...&nbsp; its hard to write let alone talk about.&nbsp; this isnt some passing PMS drama queen whiney please hug me kind of stuff... this is serious and it scares me. and why dont i talk about it?? because everyone will suggest going to get help and i dont want help. im pretty sure the only thing that triggered this all is my grampas 88th b-day then it just kept getting worse with the business situation & now last night finding out we could lose our home &amp; everything in it, our car... the list goes on.
ive developed an incredible hatred for this country (more the gov't than anything else)&nbsp; and also just want to go to sleep and never wake up because i cant bear the thought of living without my grandparents and the reality that i might never see them again. amongst being so tired & lethargic all day, ive completely lost my sex drive which as most who know me is the most unimaginable thing in my world... not to mention i would rather eat dirt than have sex right now. ive completely lost my appetite,&nbsp; writing down what i eat while in reality i eat like 1 piece of bread or 1 pancake with an egg and some juice...&nbsp; all i feel like doing is drinking water all day, its so weird.&nbsp; almost as if something in my brain triggered this "if i dont eat, we save money = less chance of losing our home"&nbsp; i cant quite explain it but thats that.
up to this point the only people who know the extent of all this&nbsp;is M.&nbsp; and my friend Brie. oh, and my sister who i just told on sunday....&nbsp; i wanted some advice from mum but she agreed with me when i said its better not to tell mum because she will just worry and i cant do that to her, shes got so much to worry about already.
so there you have it! the short and sweet version: i just dont want to be here & if it means dying then maybe it would be better that way. see now why i didnt want to tell anyone? its completely uncharacteristic &amp; incredibly difficult to discuss... theres just nothing else to it. ive been looking for work and theres a possibility i'll end up working for Sony. we will see how that pans out. maybe a proper routine will help snap me out of it? anyway, im going to enjoy my cranberry juice now. 
