  Dear Hap.. I gave her a necklace i bought but when she said, "Its my 1 yr anniversary" (referring to her necklace), my heart virtually broke into pieces.. You know, all the previous thoughts about me wearing the necklace for her and the romantic moments i dreamt abt before she come, vanished.. it never materialised.
*listening to somebody now Of coz.. its not her fault.. I opened my eudora and check my email. Chanced upon some old email i kept.. its from my ex gf. I smiled.. and i realised, i was happy but i didn't know what was happiness then. Looking back, i realised i had happiness before. If attributing all these pathetic state i am currently in to my retributions, i think i would feel better but, no.. the old Dijiang is dead.
I am not somebody who takes shortcut and easy way out now. Yes.. the problem lies with me. I didn't know what i wanted. I didn't have a direction, nor a focus. That was why my previous relationships didn't work out. And yes, as much as i like to get married, i have phobias towards marriage. Which is why, when my relationship advanced near to marriage, i will wreck them with my own hands. I am fearful towards the idea of two person living with one another until death.. Hap, i know somebody had been in my situations and path before, and there are much more other less blessed people than me.. At least, i can spend my energy thinking about relationships, they are spending their energy to stay alive. But if i am to think that i am more blessed than them, is totally wrong.. They have the will to live..
I don't. If God is to strike me with an illness now, i would lost the will to live. I am no difference from the living dead... Hap.. how do i save myself from all these mud? .. i know i can't hide from you.. Ya, i'm diverting all my attention to other stuff so that i can forget her.. yes, i know i can.. and i must forget her. I must forget her smile... her voice and everything about her that captured my heart... I really hope.. she is happy now.. DJ .. wisdom is, when you see through suffering and desire. 
